back to the drawing board

Well, it turns out our first IVF cycle failed. I'm very happy it's not another miscarriage, but it's not over and I'm freaked. I was all fine and dandy about moving on. A failed IVF cycle is not a miscarriage, there was no implantation, but to some extent, ineed to go through this again. UGH.

We had a meeting with the RE(last post on the page) today. She explained that they had no idea why this didn't work and how everything looked great. (yeah, thanks, that makes me feel better). I just wasted my two best fertilized embryos and I'm not pregnant. We have absolutely no idea why you can't get and stay pregnant nor do we have any idea why this, everything went perfectly IVF cycle, didn't work for you either. There is absolutely no medical reason why you can't get and stay pregnant, even though we are doctors and specialists, but yeah, we don't know.

She also gave us our options, a Frozen embryo cycle or going through a whole new fresh cycle like I just did. Injections, pills, retrieval, transfer and all the goodness. UGH. We decided that we would go with a frozen cycle and pay out of pocket if it was $4000 or lower. The results have a lower chance because of the thawing and everything else but it's less on me physically. We just figure it's worth it. The end result would all be worth it. It turns out that it costs $3900, so that made the decision for us. Come to find out that Blue Cross Blue Shield only covers 2 attempts, which we knew, BUT means whether we pay or they pay. 2 Attempts are two attempts no matter what. Are you EFFING Kidding me!!!!!!! If I pay that should make no difference in what insurance covers. This is so EFFING rickydiculous!!!! I hate insurance. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are some people that have no coverage at all and that really blows, especially since it's mandated in so many states these days. But come on. If I want to pay, I should be able to pay and you can get the next one, DAMNIT!!

Well, since that is the case, I guess we move on to another fresh cycle. I will do a month of BCP (oh, that's birth control pills for those not in TTC land(Trying To Conceive)). And, then the cycle after that will be the everything that I have just been through. I'm tired and it's a lot
but it's the end result that is all worth it.

For now, I'm just getting DRUNK.

Infertility SUCKS!

Jan- you're a sweetie! Thanks for stopping in and checking on me.

liz-it's lovely to hear from you again! KIT

zenchick-thanks for the thoughts, hope that you are well

Snay-you too, thanks for lookin' out.

angel-I know that you are out there. Thank You!

mother's day

It's one of those weird clubs that I feel like I missed tryouts for. Or the coach cut me from the team. I have wanted to participate in but not be the daughter or granddaughter. And, I have tried for the last four years. When Mother's Day came around all I wanted was to surprise our moms and my grandmother with telling them "I'm pregnant". That hasn't happened either. I feel like I'm asking for pity, I'm not, nor do I mean to. I guess, just know that if you happen to know anyone that is going through infertility, Mother's Day is the worst holiday ever.

Well, it's over and there's so much hope in this Mother's Day that I didn't even care. I am so excited for the outcome of this cycle it has brought me out of my funk. I'm not as nervous as I have been, I'm not even freaking out. I'm excited. I'm excited to surpass all expectations with flying colors and then some. I know that this will happen, I've done it up until now, so why not continue right?

Come on twins!! ;)

ETA:
In all the excitement I forgot to wish my mostest wonderfullest hubby a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! love you

results

Ok, so, out of the 28 we had 24 fertilize normally. Have I mentioned that I feel like a dog? I mean this is more than a litter! Anyway, 24 fertilized normally, that's freakin' amazing! I don't even know what to do. I'm excited, I'm scared. I don't even know what to do. Transfer will be on friday.

Today, I'm resting again. It feels good to relax. Just thought that I would update. For those of you in cyberspace that I don't get to talk to very often! Wish me luck.

retrieval

What is it about In-Vitro Fertilization that scares the crap out of people? Is it the thought of the famous McCaughey septuplets? Is it all the 'Lifetime' specials? Is it the thought that IVF is not "natural"? Or are all those, the reasons that people that don't know about IVF assume that you will either have septuplets or some wierd kind of test tube babies?!

Either way, I never thought that I would have to go through IVF. I always thought that you just stop protecting and it will happen. Then I realized that there is a timing method for all this. Man, all these teenage mothers here in Hampden really know how to time it right! Then I realized that not only do we have to time things perfectly but even though you are pregnant deosn't mean that you will have a baby. They say that the third time is a charm. They say it a lot. I think that I will start a new saying...well, around the end of the month and I have results of the blood test.

I had my retrieval today. I am at risk for ovarian hyperstimulation, why you ask? that's the fun of IVF. They were able to retreive 28 eggs. That's a lot of eggs. Every time I had an ultrasound the person would make some sort of comment, like "whoa" or "wow". Now, I know why! Anyway, all the drugs and everything cause for hyperstimulation. I need to take it easy and stay hydrated. So, I am doing just that.

I will find out tomorrow how many fertilized. I will find out the grade of each of them. Most likely, with my age, they will only put two back, but I will also find out how many they will put back. Friday should be Transfer. I am excited. This has been a rough road, that I never though that I would travel. I think that I want to turn left.

my world

I have a lot going on and I barely remember the last time I blogged. Luckily, there's a date on each blog. I'm in the midsT of my first IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle. I'm injecting myself with drugs three or four times a day. I'm excited for this cycle because it does bypass the majority of reasons why I have had three miscarriages. I'm looking forward to the outcome. I was lucky(?) enough to have the RE "call" my miscarriages ectopic so insurance completely covers it. That's the main reason why we are on this trek. I only have two attempts for a lifetime. This better effin' work! So, I'm pretty stressed about that and am trying oh so very hard NOT to be stressed. this is the number 1 thing on my mind. One of my employee's girlfriend just had a baby last week. He brought her in today. She's gorgeous! I want one. IVF=SUCCESS, that's what I am thinking and wishing right now.
BABIES BABIES BABIES!!!I think retrieval and transfer is next week.

I like my job, but I want a different position. So, I applied, I interviewed and I want even more. I will find out soon.

My grandmother has osteoporosis, she broke her femur last week. Yes, the biggest bone in one's body and she broke it. She's 80 and surgery wasn't fun, but she did it. She's out of hospital, in an assisted living home for rehabilitation. She should only be there for about another week or so, but my family is going nuts. but, that's just the way they roll. She's doing better, a lot better, but the family makes for worse. *sigh*

I guess, if you know me send me some good luck vibes!