did you actually read all that?

All I ask is that you don't pity me / us. Don't tell us some story about how you know someone whose best friend's sister cousin's neighbor went through the same thing but as soon as they "relaxed", it just happened. Don't tell me about your cousin's friend's brother who chose to adopt and as soon as they brought the child home they found out they were pregnant.

Just keep it simple...I'm sorry for your loss and buy me a beer, or talk about something else. Or something like that. Or just don't say anything. I would be happy with that too.
Just don't give me that pathetic look, or that sympathetic (or what you think is sympathetic) story. If you haven't been there don't try to understand me, just hug me...if I ask for it...not just for your feel better.

I've got plans tomorrow night, I will be out with a bunch of people, some will know, some will not. I just don't know how long I will be out. I may be in a lot of pain. If you know me and you know the situation don't give me a hard time.

Ok, I think that I have said my peace. Sorry to bring you all down, but this is what's going on in my life and I thought that I would share. Because that's what blogging is all about right?! I truly hope to come back with good news, but I think that I will just be bitching for awhile!
peace out!

p.s. If you(and you should know who you are) are reading this. I'm sorry we didn't tell you and D, beacause you really have enough going on tomorrow(wed. the 16th) and I didn't want to make things worse.

remember that last post?

This is not a happy post, it's actually kind of boring, unless you know me. So, don't read on unless you really care. That was your warning...

Well, I guess I prematurely spoke. Remember that 2WW I was telling you about? Well, it was over about a week and a half ago. I got that positive pregnancy test that I wanted. You would think that that would be good news right? Well it was in the beginning and we were happy, no scratch that (I would do it myself, but I don't know how), we were ecstatic. For a week and a half we were nervous, excited, scared. The day I took the test it was an extremely faint line. If you haven't seen as many negative pregnancy tests as I have, and it's tens and tens of them, you wouldn't have thought that it was positive. I took the one with highest HcG sensitivity. Yes, I know the sensitivity of most of these tests and if I don't there's a list that I can double check. Oh, and HcG is the hormone produced in a woman's body once a fertilized egg is implanted. Anyway, I didn't even tell Hubby that I took the test. I immediately called the RE's office and went in for blood work. Ya see, with blood work I can know my HcG count, my betas, if you will. I called in at 1:00pm and found out that my betas were 41. For those that don't know that is very low for as many DPO (Days Past Ovulation) that I was. So, I was even more scared. I didn't know how to tell Hubby or even if to tell him. Being Friday, I had to go back Monday to check my beta levels again. Generally, one is to go back every other day to make sure that betas are doubling at a good rate. Even more scared for Monday now. So,I called one of my good friend's who knows our whole deal and has been there through and through. She's a Genetic Counselor and a wonderful person! She said she would hope for the best for me.

When Hubby came home, I had a sort of word puzzle that my friend (MSH) put toegether about a year ago. Once all the words are all circled or crossed off the letters left spells, I A M P R E G N A N T. Believe it or not the past two times I have told him with unique ways, why should this one be different? I mean third time is a charm, right?! I told him a friend sent it. He said who? I said, well, I'm sending it to you. Needless to say he was pretty psyched. I went back on Monday, my favorite nurse there to take my blood.
She says to me: I really wanted higher numbers from you.
I said: Yeah, me too.
She said: But, you never know, this baby might surprise us.
I said: Yeah. and smiled
She and I at the same time say: This baby will surprise us!
We both laughed and smiled big smiles!
When I called for my numbers she answered the phone.
She screams: We were right! NO, we were wrong NO! I don't know.
I'm like: Mercy, tell me what the numbers are!!
Well, my numbers MORE than doubled. They skyrocketed to 343!! I was wicked psyched! I called Hubby immediately. He was pretty psyched too.


I don't really remember what happened after that. We tried to think of ways to tell our parents, we came up with a nickname for the fetus, we had a big family dinner that we fought so hard not to tell anyone while there. It was like our own little secret. My boobs hurt, I was drinking and peeing a lot, I started to get morning sickness. I knew that I had to go back again on Monday to check my beta levels. The weekend came and went. On Sunday, my boobs didn't hurt so much, but symptoms come and go right?! I went in on Monday, nervous as all hell. I almost didn't go, just because I didn't want to know. Either way, I didn't want to know. I was shaking at 1:00, I was working so I didn't get to call at 1:00. I left the store and I went to my car to make the call. It was busy. I tried again, it was busy. I tried ten times before I got through.
Mercy answered the phone again. In the worse tone I have ever heard anyone speak in she says: ohhh lowercasek, I don't have good news.
'Oh no?' not really surprised. I started spotting the day before, but it stopped within a couple of hours, but I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted more than anything to be feeling, but I didn't. I didn't want to admit it either. I didn't want to tell Hubby. I didn't want my worse fear to be happening, again. I had bad results once before and had to make the worse decision of my entire life. Her news, my numbers have dropped, a lot. I should have had betas in like the 5,000's or higher. They were 100 something. I'm having another miscarriage. I got off the phone and it was like the confirmation that my body needed. It began about a half hour later. Needless to say I left work and went home.

sorry this post is so freakin' long...I'll pause here.

back again

Well, I had some technical difficulties but I am back now. I'm not even sure where to begin, so much has happened. What did you do for Hallow's Eve? DH and I went to a party Saturday night at out friends house that we haven't seen in awhile. That was fun, sort of. It's so weird when you don't have anything to say. We saw a lot of people that we haven't seen in quite a few months. A couple have had babies, some have travelled, and some have just had a broken leg. There were two babies there, now please don't get me wrong, I am wicked happy for the people that have had their babies and are a cute and happy family now. I just wish that I had that, but that's not my point.

I just don't know what to say to people anymore.
people: "How have you two been?"
us:"Good, workin' a lot, ya know."
us thinkin:'yeah, you don't really want to even know.'
people:"So,what's new with the two of you?"
us:"Oh, not much, just workin', hangin' out, nothin too exciting."
people:"Well, (baby's name here) is just keeping us so busy. He/She never lets us sleep...balh, blah, blah."
us thinkin: 'well, lately we have just been hanging out in the 2WW. Oh you don't know about the 2WW. The 2WW = two week wait, the time between your date of ovulation and when you can test to see if you are pregnant or not. It's been the latter too many times. Ya see, we have actually been trying for over three and a half years. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and a half. I have so many cycles charted on the fertilityfriend website, I don't even know what to keep in my stats. I have a lifetime membership there ya know. I kinda gave up charting this month though cause it's really a pain in the arse to take my temperatures each morning before I move. Oh and I just got back from my appointment with the RE (that's reproductive endocrinologist= Fertility specialist) and the dildo cam showed that I did in fact ovulate. So, in this 2WW, I have to start my progesterone and just sit and wait till they start poking me with more needles for blood samples to check my levels. But other than that, not much going on. At least I get to sleep though, I guess, right?!'

I mean can you imagine if I actually said that to someone? They would look at me as if I had ten heads or something. Either that or they would give me some dumb ass story about how their sister's best friend's cousin was dealing with infertility and their experiences. You know what?! SHUT THE HELLL UP!!! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SISTER'S BEST FRIEND'S COUSIN WHO HAD TO GO THROUGH WHATEVER. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT TRY TO RELATE TO ME!!

sorry, had to get that out.

As, I was saying, I don't know what to say to people any more.
But the party was fun, we only stayed for a little while then we met up with some other friends and headed to the midnight showing of "Army of Darkness" at the Charles. that was cool until the girl one row up and a few seats over started talking on her cell phone in normal voice right at as the movie started. BITCH! Who does that?

The next night we went over to the Ottobar for the Roller Girl's 'Bruiser's Ball'. that was a blast! I was really surprised at how many people were dressed up in costume. There were some really good ones too. I saw Bjork, Team Zissou, a Big Box of Franzia, Pee Wee Herman, a sexy bum, a cute leopard, the freakin' gates and central park (that was amazing), a very large fish, and many other great costumes, at least I think that they were all costumes. Sometimes you just don't know. We really ahd a great time. I think it had a lot to do with the company. When we left the Ottobar we were starving so we went to the Paper Moon. We were starving and it was on our way home.

Now, the Paper Moon has a bad reputation and we have experienced it first hand too many times. The do however, have good food, so we went. It was the best experience we EVER had there. We sat down immediately, we got our drinks a minute later. out food came within ten minutes. Hubby had his coffee refilled at least twice. Each time the server asked how everything was or if we needed anything else. We got our check and our plates were taken out of the way. We went up to pay and we paid right away. I feel like we were there and then home again within an hour. I don't think that, scratch that I know that that has never happened there. It was great! Of course, it was a Sunday at about 12:30, but still.