remember that last post?

This is not a happy post, it's actually kind of boring, unless you know me. So, don't read on unless you really care. That was your warning...

Well, I guess I prematurely spoke. Remember that 2WW I was telling you about? Well, it was over about a week and a half ago. I got that positive pregnancy test that I wanted. You would think that that would be good news right? Well it was in the beginning and we were happy, no scratch that (I would do it myself, but I don't know how), we were ecstatic. For a week and a half we were nervous, excited, scared. The day I took the test it was an extremely faint line. If you haven't seen as many negative pregnancy tests as I have, and it's tens and tens of them, you wouldn't have thought that it was positive. I took the one with highest HcG sensitivity. Yes, I know the sensitivity of most of these tests and if I don't there's a list that I can double check. Oh, and HcG is the hormone produced in a woman's body once a fertilized egg is implanted. Anyway, I didn't even tell Hubby that I took the test. I immediately called the RE's office and went in for blood work. Ya see, with blood work I can know my HcG count, my betas, if you will. I called in at 1:00pm and found out that my betas were 41. For those that don't know that is very low for as many DPO (Days Past Ovulation) that I was. So, I was even more scared. I didn't know how to tell Hubby or even if to tell him. Being Friday, I had to go back Monday to check my beta levels again. Generally, one is to go back every other day to make sure that betas are doubling at a good rate. Even more scared for Monday now. So,I called one of my good friend's who knows our whole deal and has been there through and through. She's a Genetic Counselor and a wonderful person! She said she would hope for the best for me.

When Hubby came home, I had a sort of word puzzle that my friend (MSH) put toegether about a year ago. Once all the words are all circled or crossed off the letters left spells, I A M P R E G N A N T. Believe it or not the past two times I have told him with unique ways, why should this one be different? I mean third time is a charm, right?! I told him a friend sent it. He said who? I said, well, I'm sending it to you. Needless to say he was pretty psyched. I went back on Monday, my favorite nurse there to take my blood.
She says to me: I really wanted higher numbers from you.
I said: Yeah, me too.
She said: But, you never know, this baby might surprise us.
I said: Yeah. and smiled
She and I at the same time say: This baby will surprise us!
We both laughed and smiled big smiles!
When I called for my numbers she answered the phone.
She screams: We were right! NO, we were wrong NO! I don't know.
I'm like: Mercy, tell me what the numbers are!!
Well, my numbers MORE than doubled. They skyrocketed to 343!! I was wicked psyched! I called Hubby immediately. He was pretty psyched too.


I don't really remember what happened after that. We tried to think of ways to tell our parents, we came up with a nickname for the fetus, we had a big family dinner that we fought so hard not to tell anyone while there. It was like our own little secret. My boobs hurt, I was drinking and peeing a lot, I started to get morning sickness. I knew that I had to go back again on Monday to check my beta levels. The weekend came and went. On Sunday, my boobs didn't hurt so much, but symptoms come and go right?! I went in on Monday, nervous as all hell. I almost didn't go, just because I didn't want to know. Either way, I didn't want to know. I was shaking at 1:00, I was working so I didn't get to call at 1:00. I left the store and I went to my car to make the call. It was busy. I tried again, it was busy. I tried ten times before I got through.
Mercy answered the phone again. In the worse tone I have ever heard anyone speak in she says: ohhh lowercasek, I don't have good news.
'Oh no?' not really surprised. I started spotting the day before, but it stopped within a couple of hours, but I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted more than anything to be feeling, but I didn't. I didn't want to admit it either. I didn't want to tell Hubby. I didn't want my worse fear to be happening, again. I had bad results once before and had to make the worse decision of my entire life. Her news, my numbers have dropped, a lot. I should have had betas in like the 5,000's or higher. They were 100 something. I'm having another miscarriage. I got off the phone and it was like the confirmation that my body needed. It began about a half hour later. Needless to say I left work and went home.

sorry this post is so freakin' long...I'll pause here.