lowercase k

blah, blah, blah

2007-08-26T19:32:00.000-04:00

I feel like there is a lot of catching up that I need to do, but I don't know where to begin, so why bother. I will just post when I can and about whatever I feel like. So here's another blah blah blah. So moving here has been a bit lonely. I figured it would be awesome, a nice house, in a great area for a great price. That would be all that I needed. Did I mention that we just wanted to get away?! Away from everyone getting pregnant, away from all of our friends making their family bigger, away from a shitty job, away from all the pressure away from all the stupid doctors, that think they know what the problem is, but can't seem to help me, away from all the people that think they are helping but they aren't...just everything.

I'm just so done with people that think that they know, or think that they can help. You don't know what I have been through, you can't say the right thing, you can't fix it. Adoption seems to be our next step. As, we decided back before all the IVF stuff, we would adopt from China, but it's just so damn expensive. It's all I want is to make my family bigger, but fro crying out loud, must it be so damn expensive? So, we wait. It doesn't help that I am not working right now. But my job had no positions for me and there was no place to go. We were just going to live off of hubby's salary, but I'm bored and that will take us awhile to save up for adoption. man am I bored.

I have no friends here, I miss going out. I miss having things to do. Did I mention that I wasn't working. Did I mention I was bored? Anyway, North Carolina is lonely and I need a job. I just started sending resumes out, but I forgot what a pain in the arse it is to get a job. I hope this ends soon. OMG and Carolina is all about kids. That's the first thing people ask you? Do you have kids? How many kids do you have? UGH, I'm surviving. I have had my losing crying bouts, but I'm dealing. I know I won't be forever without kids. I may be without giving birth, but I will not live without having children. Mainly, because I see what my parents are doing to (I'm an only child) and I need kids to take care of me when I'm older. Yeah, that's the only reason. ;)

it's my birthday

2007-08-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

yeah, I'm to the point where I am vying for attention. I did just turn 33, double numbers just always seems a little cooler than the rest. This is a new year and the new year starts with my birthday. In June we moved to North Carolina. Yes, we left the city, our cute lil house, my job, our gorgeous lil city of Hampden, and all of our friends. The latter has been the worst. Our house sold within a week of being on the market (yes, I realize that we were wicked lucky!). But we made that place into an awesome lil home! I left that crappy job, thank goodness. And the city and our friends are what I miss most. Family too, I guess. I kinda like being alone. I feel like the stress of being the nonfertile one has lessened. My family didn't do it on purpose, I'm sure, but the stress of their world is lifted being away.

I don't have a job yet, but I just started looking last week. I was enjoying not working and unpacking. Now, though, I am to the point that I am bored and need something to do. Therefore, back to work I go. Plus, I miss buying stuff. Yeah, we could survive off of Hubby's earnings, but I like it more when I can do what I want when I want. So, enough of that! I'm looking for the perfect job, if it's out there. Well, the perfect job for me, for now. I don't know what that is, but I am looking for it. Keep an eye out for me. ;)

We bought an awesome house in a little town that seems to be growing. We were looking for at least half an acre and not too far from hubby's job. We found it and at a not too shabby price. We love our house, we love our property and we love that it's brand spanking new. Our last house was over 80 years old, rehabbed yes, but still old. I almost feel like we shouldn't have a nice house like this, but we do and I love it. I just wish that all of my friends were in NC too. Hubby was able to transfer and we are not too far from his office. We pretty much felt as though it was an opportunity that we could not pass up. So, we didn't. Plus, a new beginning was in order. I'm sure any of you that have read this thing know that's the truth.

Well, my birthday is almost over. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

a year later

2007-08-19T22:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, so it's been a year. I was the furthest I have ever been with the highest numbers I ever had. I was thrilled, then I found out they stopped rising and I was going to have another miscarriage. This one wouldn't work itself out. Nor would methotrexate speed the process up. I had to go to the hospital and have a D&C. Basically, surgically remove everything under anesthesia. So, on August 17th 2006, I went to GBMC and had the procedure done. I was...there are no words to describe my feelings. Plus, Honestly, I think I blocked them all out. I was beyond frustrated, to say the very least. It was two days before my birthday and this was a hell of a present. More like a curse.

We got a puppy miniature Australian Shepherd the next month. His name is Coburn, he's named after James Coburn and his full name is Coburn Flint (our lastname). He's pretty awesome. So our fifth year of trying is unsuccessful human baby wise, but filled with another furbaby. It was one of our worst years yet if it didn't happen we wouldn't have Coburn. So, go figure, we have no idea how to feel about the year on a whole. I was so happy the day we picked him up! The crate training and all of the clean up were not so happy days. But it came with the territory. It was the closest that we knew to having a baby. Up in the middle of the night at least twice a night and clean up even worse. But we loved him and we were in for the long haul! Guinness was not too happy, but she's trying to deal, still. We couldn't stay our late, we had to leave at lunch to walk him, we had to wake up early. It was a pretty similar conversation to our friends that were new parents. So, he's now a year and a sweetheart!

more in a bit...

2006-08-10T22:37:00.000-04:00

I was so pregnant. Now, it's over. I am done.

quick update

2006-07-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

...then I will come back when I get a chance with whatever.

I am SO Pregnant!

My betas came back at 2910!!!!

I have never made it over 1000!

I have never made it to this third beta!

I am SO having a baby (or two)!!!!!!

Needless to say, wicked excited!

freakin' out

2006-07-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

Friday we got great news! My blood test revealed that my numbers went up to 246! We were very excited! I go back again on Friday to make sure that all is still well. I am so effin' nervous I don't know what to do with myself. Again, One minute I am wicked confident, the next I am wicked nervous! I don't even know what to do. I know that I have to keep thinking positive, but because everything is so different I don't know what or how to feel.

The wedding was nice, very small. We didn't know anyone but of course hubby's parents and and the bride and groom. Our niece and nephew were there, but that was more like babysitting. It was held at the groom's parents house. Their house was amazing. It was on a hill on a lake. They had a dock, a pontoon boat, and a gorgeous view! It poured while we were driving over, but the sun then made an appearance and stayed for the rest of the evening. It made for a nice evening. I decided that I would drink something in a cup not a beer. Which I guess in itself is kinda weird, but not really when there is free alcohol. My MIL was quite curious as to what I was drinking. She asked, Are you drinking a beer in a cup with a straw?. I thought that was a dumb question until I realized that she was asking because she wanted to know if I was drinking something alcoholic. That was her clever way of finding out if I was pregnant or not. I was annoyed. I gave hubby a look and said, No, there's alcohol over there, no need for beer in a cup.

Since we didn't know anyone we pretty much just stood around for awhile. They thought that it would be fun for the parents and the bride and groom to go around the lake in the pontoon boat. Well they were gone for like an hour. Kinda bored. I'm sure that it was nice for them though. I just thought that it was difficult when no one knew each other and the wedding guests consisted of like 12 people. The bride and grrom of course were the only ones that knew everyone, so they weren't available for introductions. Since hubby drank both of our glasses of champagne he was ready to talk to people. Made the night a little more socialable.

When they got back, MIL became a little more bold and decided to ask exactly what I was drinking and took my drink and tried to drink it. I was in the middle of a conversation with hubby and the groom about our trip to the football hall of fame and just gaped in awe. I couldn't believe that she would do that. I grabbed it from her and told her that it was a vodka and tonic. I was like are you freaking kidding me?! What the hell are you doing? She's like I want to know what you are drinking. I just shook my head. I didn't know what to say. I was livid! She's like, oh vodka and tonic, that's too much for me. I was like yeah, that's why it's MY drink!
I couldn't get over it. I was pissed for the rest of the night. Hubby didn't even see it happen. But he understood why I was upset. I tried so hard to just ignore it. I mean, she deserves to know, but she deserves to know when I tell her. The bride does not deserve to have her weekend taken away by our joy. I tried to forget it, but it really pissed me off. I'm still annoyed by it. I want to tell her, but I don't want her to butt her way into my business. I will tell her when I am ready and that's that.

The drive was long, we did it in four days. Two days there, two days back. The Football Hall of Fame was pretty awesome! Like hubby said, I think that it was much better since I have been a fan of quite a few teams in my life. It made for more interesting. The only really bad thing was it was the year after the Steelers and well, I pretty much can't stand them and their stupid quarterback (sorry J, but that was stupid). I've also been a fan of quite a few different players, so to see their sotries, shoes, jerseys, gloves, or whatever was cool! Even seeing all their bronzed heads. Realizing the years that they were entered into the hall of fame, stuff like that. It was just pretty awesome!

Glad to be home again.

Gotta go back to work today...SHIT! *sigh*

basket case

2006-07-19T22:39:00.000-04:00

That's me, that's what I have been for the last few days. One second I am wicked nervous and positive that this didn't work. The next I was wicked excited and just 'knew' I was pregnant. I have been driving hubby NUTS. I was freakin' out last night. I didn't even want to go to bed, I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I woke up this morning as positive as I could be. I was even in the shower singing about how I was going to find out I was pregnant today. Yeah, I know, I'm a dork!
I headed over to the office and got mad because I couldn't find a parking spot right up front. I mean come one people, I just want to run in give my blood and go! Well I got in and the place was packed, I mean like I was gong to have to sit next to someone in the waiting room, if not two people. UGH, just let me get this over. I sign in, as soon as I look up I see them, my wonderful nurses. They wave me over. I'm like phew, I don't have to sit next to the woman with the little one in her arms.
I mean come on people, DON'T bring your children to the Fertility Center to wait for you?!!! Effin' idiots, like we don't feel like shite already!!
Anyhow, I go over smiling and they immediately accuse me of cheating. Cheating being that I took a home pregnancy test and already know my results. No ladies, I promise you I didn't cheat. They laughed, yeah right. I said I swear, I did not cheat. I so wanted to, but I didn't. They ask me how I feel. I tell them one second this the other that. They ask how does my belly feel, I say heavy, bloated, extremely bloated. they say, that's good. The ask how do my boobs feel, I say aha, that's the thing they don't feel any different. They say, that's ok, you have a positive attitude, that means you will have a positive test. Blood is taken by, we'll call her The Bearer of Great News. TBGN tells me that she will have so and so rub it on her belly before she takes it back. Pregnant bellies are good luck, did you know it? Specially for those of us struggling, doesn't quite make sense, I sure don't want to be around pregnant people. Well, I do now. Oh well. She also says that if she gets the results early... see I call back at 1 and they tell me the results. Oh the agony!...she will call me and let me know.

I get to work and realize that I am the only one there in the morning, I can't exactly freak out when she calls to tell me. And, I will shirley freak out, no matter what the heck she says to me. I text message her and tell her not to call me because I will not be able to react properly and it'll make for worse. Then hubby calls. He's like Soooo. Kinda like he did you get the results yet. Knowing full well, I don't get those until 1. He's says, just kidding and asks how it went. I go into the story of how they accused me of cheating and how we all laughed and what they thought, blah, blah, blah. Then my other line rings and I see it's Dr. so and so's office. I'm like shite, the doctor's office is calling. He's like go answer it. I'm like, I don't want to. I just freakin' left there not even an hour ago. how do they have the results already. OMG. So, I answer it. TBGN says "lowercasek, its TBGN...and the rest was a blur. I just remember her saying something along the lines of it looks good. Your test was positive and the numbers look great you are over 100. I'm in hysterics, I'm crying, I'm laughing. I'm like are you sure that was mine? Are you sure, really? No way? Really?! really?! Holy Crap! that's all I remember. I barely remember what I said to hubby.

I called him back and I just blurted (screamed) it out "I'M PREGNANT!!"

I have done this part before. It's the stuff later that I can't seem to do well. Friday I go for repeats, make sure that my betas are doubling at a fantabulous rate! Then I go back again the next friday, that's the one I worry about. Those numbers better blow everything away!

And, I think that I'm a basket case now?! UGH...

beta numbers

2006-07-19T22:09:00.000-04:00

what are those you ask? Those are the numbers that you get as a result of the HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) test done upon your blood to determine how pregnant you are.

Mine were 111.

So, yes, I did have a positive pregnancy test! Yes, I am excited, can't you tell?! Ok, well, I'm more in shock than I am excited. I mean I don't have any "symptoms". I don't have my usual "symptoms", of course, my usual "symptoms" meant, 1) I was pregnant, but the embryo impanted in the wrong area 2) I have had "symptoms" three other times, but you don't see me with any children. and 3) "symptoms" are overrated! Mind you, I'm not complaining that I have no symptoms it's great. Enjoy it while it lasts right?! Repeats on Friday!

waiting

2006-07-14T22:00:00.000-04:00

As usual...the waiting game sucks. There isn't a fancy way to describe it, it just sucks! Plain and simple. I had my transfer 5 days ago and all I can think about is what should I be feeling right now? What did I feel before, is this the same, is it different? If so, what's the same, what's different? Different is good, right? I mean I want things to end up differently this time. I have so much faith and desire for this to turn out differently, but every now and again that doubt sneaks in and I scare the crap out of myself. I mean seriously, what will I do if this ends in any way similar to the last few times?

I keep talking to my tummy. I keep telling those blastocysts to implant in my uterus. And yes, plural is what I say, I will take plural. It will be hard as hell, but I will take plural! I even want plural. I know that this will work! I will be pregnant on Wednesday! I will remain pregnant until I give birth to one, two, or even three healthy babies!

Every twinge I feel I wonder, when I don't feel twinges, I wonder. Earlier, I was searching the interweb for any firsthand experiences. Even though I know that not everyone is the same. I guess I'm really just trying to figure out if I can wait until Wednesday or if I will be tempted to POAS.

I AM OBSESSED, can you blame me?

transfer DONE!!

2006-07-10T17:55:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I have missed a lot. I'm lazy, what else is new?
Monitoring started on about Monday the 26th, every other day of bloodwork and ultrasounds, fun.not. Then on about Wednesday the 28th I had to go in everyday. yeah, that was even more fun.

Retrieval was on Thursday July 6th. I was asleep for the whole thing, but afterwards, it's called pain. And, they expect to me to take tylenol for that kind of pain. That's just inhumane. I pretty much didn't move all day and sat around with a heating pad on. Pretty lazy, but nice to not have to work.

Friday, I was still in pain, but I managed to get out of the house and run a couple of errands. After walking around for awhile, I realized that I just wanted to go back home and sit on my couch.

Saturday, I felt much better and we took off for Quiet Waters Park to rent some kayaks. That was awesome! We got to check out the dog park without the dog drool. The dogs are pretty cool when they just jump off the platform into the water to retrieve their toys. It's cute! Then we got to check out some Osprey flying about, even saw three of them attacking a Great Blue Heron. We weren't sure why, but it was cool. We saw some horseshoe crab shells on the coast. And the most exciting we got to see a Belted Kingfisher!! I was so excited, ever since we got back from Australia, I love kingfishers! Kookaburras being the most gorgeous and vocal of them all. But to see one of their relatives in the states was amazing! Oh and the kayaking was fun too! I think that when we buy some kayaks we are leaning towards sit on tops. I had more control with this one.

Sunday, was the Transfer. That went well and quickly.
cute lil' story...When one of my favorite nurses was putting all the stuff away she found a ladybug. She brought it out to me and told me that it was a sign. Ladybugs are good luck, did you know it? I was quite excited, can you tell I'll take anything that I can get?! Plus, I love ladybugs, but my favorite bug is a lightening bug. We just never had them in California, so, they are so exciting to me!

Well, since hubby had to wait on me hand and foot on Sunday he was in the kitchen grabbing me some lunch or something. He yells to me, I got another sign for you. I was like, no way, another ladybug? He opens his hands and there is a lightening bug! I was ecstatic. I think the lightening bug flew in just to wish me luck! Now, hopefully there are two bugs snug in my uterus right about now! That would be perfect!

I know, I know, it's all so cheesy. I just will take whatever the hell I can get this time. I said Bring It On, didn't I?! Oh, you didn't realize I was going to 'lay it on'?! Get over it! ;)

IVF #2

2006-06-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

Ok, so, IVF #2 is underway. I started lupron and baby aspirin on June 10th, stopped BCP's on June 14th. I started stims on June 22nd. Blood work every two days since thursday the 22nd. I am starting to feel the twinges of the stims but I'm ok. I have a lot of faith in the cycle, just like I did last time, but this is it. THIS IS MY LAST CYCLE! I have confirmed it with the nurses. They were excited to see me, but one nurse said it for me. She's one of my favorites, 'She's like I'm excited to see you, but I know that you are like I don't want to effin (she said the f word) see you or effin be here.' She was right, but at the same time I am extremely lucky because I have some awesome nurses that truly care about me! She mentioned how she would rather see me at the Giant. One even mentioned at Wegmans. If I could handle Wegmans or if it was closer to my house, I would totally be there! That place is amazing!

When I went in on sunday another nurse mentioned it to me she said, 'Look at me! She said this is your last cycle! You have to get pregnant, the pressure is on!'
She's right, the pressure is on, but I know that we can do this. I know that my body can do this, I know that this will work. I know that I will be in the 42% that gets pregnant, stays pregnant, and goes on to deliver a baby or the 31% that goes on to deliver twins! Like I said before, BRING IT ON!

not much to report

2006-06-08T21:27:00.000-04:00

Just the same ole' same ole'...still on the pill, start lupron on Saturday.

But what is Saturday? Saturday is good ole' HonFest! Yeah, it's cheesy, yeah, the Hon (both bar and restaurant) have become down right scary. But, it brings mad tourism back to Baltimore! And, that is a great thing! That, and it's a hop, skip, and a jump from my house. Who doesn't enjoy a festival in their very own neighborhood?! Also, it gets me more excited for summer and even when summer ends, I'm greeted with another fantabulous, even better festival, HampdenFest!!! I get to drink at HonFest...may I not be able to drink at HampdenFest!!! ;)

So, let summer begin!

back to the drawing board

2006-05-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

Well, it turns out our first IVF cycle failed. I'm very happy it's not another miscarriage, but it's not over and I'm freaked. I was all fine and dandy about moving on. A failed IVF cycle is not a miscarriage, there was no implantation, but to some extent, ineed to go through this again. UGH.

We had a meeting with the RE(last post on the page) today. She explained that they had no idea why this didn't work and how everything looked great. (yeah, thanks, that makes me feel better). I just wasted my two best fertilized embryos and I'm not pregnant. We have absolutely no idea why you can't get and stay pregnant nor do we have any idea why this, everything went perfectly IVF cycle, didn't work for you either. There is absolutely no medical reason why you can't get and stay pregnant, even though we are doctors and specialists, but yeah, we don't know.

She also gave us our options, a Frozen embryo cycle or going through a whole new fresh cycle like I just did. Injections, pills, retrieval, transfer and all the goodness. UGH. We decided that we would go with a frozen cycle and pay out of pocket if it was $4000 or lower. The results have a lower chance because of the thawing and everything else but it's less on me physically. We just figure it's worth it. The end result would all be worth it. It turns out that it costs $3900, so that made the decision for us. Come to find out that Blue Cross Blue Shield only covers 2 attempts, which we knew, BUT means whether we pay or they pay. 2 Attempts are two attempts no matter what. Are you EFFING Kidding me!!!!!!! If I pay that should make no difference in what insurance covers. This is so EFFING rickydiculous!!!! I hate insurance. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are some people that have no coverage at all and that really blows, especially since it's mandated in so many states these days. But come on. If I want to pay, I should be able to pay and you can get the next one, DAMNIT!!

Well, since that is the case, I guess we move on to another fresh cycle. I will do a month of BCP (oh, that's birth control pills for those not in TTC land(Trying To Conceive)). And, then the cycle after that will be the everything that I have just been through. I'm tired and it's a lot
but it's the end result that is all worth it.

For now, I'm just getting DRUNK.

Infertility SUCKS!

Jan- you're a sweetie! Thanks for stopping in and checking on me.

liz-it's lovely to hear from you again! KIT

zenchick-thanks for the thoughts, hope that you are well

Snay-you too, thanks for lookin' out.

angel-I know that you are out there. Thank You!

mother's day

2006-05-16T21:33:00.000-04:00

It's one of those weird clubs that I feel like I missed tryouts for. Or the coach cut me from the team. I have wanted to participate in but not be the daughter or granddaughter. And, I have tried for the last four years. When Mother's Day came around all I wanted was to surprise our moms and my grandmother with telling them "I'm pregnant". That hasn't happened either. I feel like I'm asking for pity, I'm not, nor do I mean to. I guess, just know that if you happen to know anyone that is going through infertility, Mother's Day is the worst holiday ever.

Well, it's over and there's so much hope in this Mother's Day that I didn't even care. I am so excited for the outcome of this cycle it has brought me out of my funk. I'm not as nervous as I have been, I'm not even freaking out. I'm excited. I'm excited to surpass all expectations with flying colors and then some. I know that this will happen, I've done it up until now, so why not continue right?

Come on twins!! ;)

ETA:
In all the excitement I forgot to wish my mostest wonderfullest hubby a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! love you

results

2006-05-10T15:01:00.000-04:00

Ok, so, out of the 28 we had 24 fertilize normally. Have I mentioned that I feel like a dog? I mean this is more than a litter! Anyway, 24 fertilized normally, that's freakin' amazing! I don't even know what to do. I'm excited, I'm scared. I don't even know what to do. Transfer will be on friday.

Today, I'm resting again. It feels good to relax. Just thought that I would update. For those of you in cyberspace that I don't get to talk to very often! Wish me luck.

retrieval

2006-05-09T14:45:00.000-04:00

What is it about In-Vitro Fertilization that scares the crap out of people? Is it the thought of the famous McCaughey septuplets? Is it all the 'Lifetime' specials? Is it the thought that IVF is not "natural"? Or are all those, the reasons that people that don't know about IVF assume that you will either have septuplets or some wierd kind of test tube babies?!

Either way, I never thought that I would have to go through IVF. I always thought that you just stop protecting and it will happen. Then I realized that there is a timing method for all this. Man, all these teenage mothers here in Hampden really know how to time it right! Then I realized that not only do we have to time things perfectly but even though you are pregnant deosn't mean that you will have a baby. They say that the third time is a charm. They say it a lot. I think that I will start a new saying...well, around the end of the month and I have results of the blood test.

I had my retrieval today. I am at risk for ovarian hyperstimulation, why you ask? that's the fun of IVF. They were able to retreive 28 eggs. That's a lot of eggs. Every time I had an ultrasound the person would make some sort of comment, like "whoa" or "wow". Now, I know why! Anyway, all the drugs and everything cause for hyperstimulation. I need to take it easy and stay hydrated. So, I am doing just that.

I will find out tomorrow how many fertilized. I will find out the grade of each of them. Most likely, with my age, they will only put two back, but I will also find out how many they will put back. Friday should be Transfer. I am excited. This has been a rough road, that I never though that I would travel. I think that I want to turn left.

my world

2006-05-02T23:43:00.000-04:00

I have a lot going on and I barely remember the last time I blogged. Luckily, there's a date on each blog. I'm in the midsT of my first IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle. I'm injecting myself with drugs three or four times a day. I'm excited for this cycle because it does bypass the majority of reasons why I have had three miscarriages. I'm looking forward to the outcome. I was lucky(?) enough to have the RE "call" my miscarriages ectopic so insurance completely covers it. That's the main reason why we are on this trek. I only have two attempts for a lifetime. This better effin' work! So, I'm pretty stressed about that and am trying oh so very hard NOT to be stressed. this is the number 1 thing on my mind. One of my employee's girlfriend just had a baby last week. He brought her in today. She's gorgeous! I want one. IVF=SUCCESS, that's what I am thinking and wishing right now.
BABIES BABIES BABIES!!!I think retrieval and transfer is next week.

I like my job, but I want a different position. So, I applied, I interviewed and I want even more. I will find out soon.

My grandmother has osteoporosis, she broke her femur last week. Yes, the biggest bone in one's body and she broke it. She's 80 and surgery wasn't fun, but she did it. She's out of hospital, in an assisted living home for rehabilitation. She should only be there for about another week or so, but my family is going nuts. but, that's just the way they roll. She's doing better, a lot better, but the family makes for worse. *sigh*

I guess, if you know me send me some good luck vibes!

where to begin?

2006-03-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

So we got back from Australia and we just want to go back. Yeah, yesterday was nice and today was nicer, but it's no shorts and flip flop weather. It's no beach going, getting a tan, and enjoying the sun kinda days! I miss them, I love that life...no working, enjoying my day, eat what I want, and drink what I want, oh I miss it so much!

I had so much fun that I don't even know where to begin and I feel like I always say that. I should have been like hubby and taken notes. I lose, I just printed most of the photos out. I just need to put them together and get them in an album. I have album all picked out and everything. I have the pen that I will use to write the lil' comments. I'm ready, now I just have to do it.

Oh, and No Worries Mate, I was no where near the cyclone area. Australia is a HUGE country, remember, it's a continent.

Would you all care if I moved to Australia? I would still blog, I mean, not like I do now, but I would keep you all up to date. Really, I would. promise.

Lots to tell and not about the trip, be back soon.

two days away

2006-02-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

Holy crap! In two days I will be on an airplane for, well, forever. I can't remember the specifics but I think it's like 16 hours. I don't dare double check and know. ya know. I am so freakin' excited that I can't even explain it, but I am so nervous that I am going to forget something, like my contacts or something like that. Something that I can't get while I'm out there. Not that I have been here in awhile or that I update at all, but I'll be gone for awhile. Good luck while I'm gone, I'm gonna have a blast. Here I come dad!!!

valentime or no valentime

2006-02-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

For those who know me and are my friends, or those just passing by.

I just wanted to wish you all a Happy Valentime's Day! Whether you celebrate it or not.

But especially, Happy Valentime's Day to my hubby. Even though we don't "celebrate" it's another day for me to tell you that I love you and appreciate you.

Being cool isn't as easy as it was in high school...

2006-02-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

So, I'm discovering that at 31 it's not so easy to be "cool" anymore. "hip" or "down", or "with it", if you will. I always told myself that I wouldn't let myself become uncool no matter my age. I didn't want to be the one wearing pegged jeans when boot leg was sooo in! I always wanted to be able to keep up, one way or another.

The other day, I was at the Gym, I have just been hitting 'Shuffle Songs' on my boring 4th generation ipod to get my variety. I find that I do skip a few, but, there are some songs that I just JAM OUT to! The other day that song was 'Once' by Pearl Jam, off of one of the greatest albums ever. That's right I said album. I mean I was on the eliptical machine just jammin', pumping my arms, working my legs, in my own world. Lip syncing the whole time, with my eyes closed even. I love pretty much anything off of their album Ten. As a matter of fact, I was in high school when the album came out. Ya know, I rock out to this album everytime I hear it, but these songs are like 15 years old. I mean a child that was born in 1991 will soon be driving. I mean with their parents or someone over 25 mind you, but still. Or has that changed? Any way, these kids are nearly the same age I was when the album came out. *breath* Whew, that's a bit overwhelming. Still, not my point...that's a whole nother issue...

At the gym I jam to my pod. In my car, I jam to my pod or listen to NPR (I never thought that I'd be listening to NPR, but it's very informative. Man, I am getting old.) even the new Jack station if in the mood, while at work there is music chosen for me. At home, I have tivo, I watch the shows that I want to, nothing more, nothing different.
So, what I am saying here is I don't know what the "with it, down, hip, cool" music is anymore. I thought that I could do this, ya know, keeping up with what was "in". And now, I just don't know anymore. I turned on 92Q the other day and heard some ridiculous song about Laffy Taffy. Now, I couldn't understand all of what these people were saying, but, were they really talking about that candy that I use to eat as a young'n while reading the jokes on the wrappers as my mouth was filled with watermelon flavored plasticyness?

Welcome Jesse and Molly

2006-01-22T20:09:00.000-05:00

One of my dearest friends just had twins. She and I have been through this infertility roller coaster for awhile together. Her journey has ended with the reward of two Beautiful babies! I am so freakin' happy for her!! Soon the streets of New York will be shining bright with her smiles as she walks around to show them off to the world. She had a harrowing experience, but she's such a strong person she came out of it with bells on! I am so happy for her that I could burst. I can't wait to meet these beautiful new additions to this world. Congratulations to you, my dear, and your family! I wish you all the best! Look at them, aren't they just adorable?!

Who do you cheer for when your team is out?

2006-01-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

I can't stand the way people suddenly find "their favorite team's" jersey when the team is in the playoffs. While at work today I saw so many Redskins jerseys I wanted to puke! I mean come on you're either a fan or not. Don't be one of those lame asses, wear your jersey all season or not at all! DUMB ASS!

I still wear my Jamal Lewis Jersey, mind you I will probably get an Ed REED jersey in the off season, but still! I'm a Ravens fan win or lose. Unfortunately, it's a lot more losing than winning, but they're still my team.

Ok, so, I sit here and I watch the Patriots/Broncos game and I'm wicked nervous. Almost like I'm watching my own Ravens, but not as pissed off or disappointed. These Refs aren't doing shite! What the hell game are they watching?! Did you not see that that was clearly an interception? (that was overturned, thank goodness) Did you not see that that was clearly offensive pass interference?! Did you not see #72 totally flinched before the ball was snapped? I think tivo is killing my spirit in the Refs. That or the Refs just suck! Come on Patriots!!! Oh yeah and I'm cheering for the Patriots because I spent my college years in New England, our(hubby and mine) roommate is a hugemongusfan! He was so upset when the Packers beat the crap out of the Patriots that he kicked a whole in our bathroom wall. Still got our security deposit back though. Patriots were my 2nd favorite team, I'm allowed.

I watched the Seahawks/Redskins game off and on earlier. I wanted the Seahawks to kick the crap out of the Redskins, sorry, but I got no love for the redskins. I don't care how close to Baltimore or how much my family loves the team (when they're winning), I don't like the Redskins and I don't cheer for them. Plus, I want to rub it in the faces of my co-workers that claim they're Redskins Fans. So, I cheered for the Seahawks!

Tomorrow, I will cheer for the Bears, Hubby is originally from Chicago so, that's my excuse on that one. As for the Colts, I guess I can cheer for them. Manning is just so awesome in that credit card commercial. That commercial absolutely cracks me up! Plus, I hate the Steelers!!

I love the playoffs, just wish we were playing in them. *sigh*

Resolutions schmezolutions...

2006-01-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it's been 2006 for over a week. I probably should have said this sooner, but it's better late than never, right!

I'm going to try and be more diligent in the new year. It's not so much a resolution, just because I don't do resolutions. Not because I fail when I try just because I forget what they were. Or a I forget where I wrote them down. So, I don't really break resolutions I just don't make them. Why bother?

There are a few things that I am working on in the new year but NOT because it's a new year. I am working on my weight right now. Eating only specific things, NOT drinking (oh, that's killin' me), going to the gym. Ya know the usual but like I said, NOT because it's a new year. We are going to visit my dad in March! I'm very excited to both see my dad and be on a beach again. THE BEACH, see that's the reason I am eating specific and not drinking! Makes more sense now, huh?!

I am also trying to be happier with my job. You know while I'm there, smile more, be more cheery. Ok, maybe not happier but try to seem that way at least. Ya know motivate my people to be happy.
The end of the year also meaning that it's another dinner that I have to pay for out of my pocket to celebrate the success of the year. Me and my 6 employees. Either way you look at it, even Mickey D's would be expensive. I can't even imagine where they want to go. I don't even want to go. I kinda just want to send them all out and not go. That's bad. Oh well. Gotta do what you gotta do.

I am also trying to accomplish a few things. I'm not saying them out loud because then I would have a place to find them.

just a little catch up

2005-12-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

Well, it turned out the miscarriage did not go as planned. This one decided to be difficult, kinda like the last one, but not as exciting. My numbers dropped and then rose and then dropped and then rose again. Much blood was given, many tests were done and methotrexate ended it all. That was a pain, but not as bad as last time. Got through it and tomorrow is another day.

Last year I hated christmas. All this miscarriage stuff was too much to take. This year it took awhile, but I finally got in the mood around the 22nd or so. Retail will knock your spirit a bit, but I finally brushed it off and went with the flow. I like Christmas, not only do you receive gifts, but you also get to give gifts. I just hope everyone likes them as much as I think that they will. I hope that when they open it, their smile is as big as mine is. I'm almost hoping that they will bust out with "Just what I have always wanted, how did you guess/ know?". It never happens, but I always hope. I was actually able to get out of work for a few days too.

Oh, did I mention I went to the Christmas Night Ravens Game? Did I mention that the tix were in the suite? Man, was that sweet! We got a parking pass, no parking trouble (just jerks directing traffic). Walked right in, there was actually a line for the females to enter, weird. Took the elevator to the 3rd level and found the suite. Room had a few people, even knew a few people. The beer began, the food flowed, and even conversations commenced. Took my other mother or to you all my mother-in-law, we saved our seats and got ready. We were a bit early, but that's ok, we ate, drank, and were merry. Crabcakes, Shrimp, Turkey, Pizza, Crab dip and more. And football all around. The Bears/ Packers game was still on and the flat panel tvs were on two of the three walls. Three to be exact, oohh tv. The game was great, Kyle Boller, sorry, but I still have no faith in you. But, Thank you for not embarrassing us on National television. That I do appreciate! Thank you Mason for stepping up and Ed, as usual YOU ARE AMAZING!!. So glad that you are back. It was an impressive game, I even left there proud to be a Ravens fan. It was the last home game of the season, it was Nationally televised, we played well and won. There was free booze, free food, and a bathroom within seconds of my seat and tv's if I had to wait in line. If you couldn't tell I had a good time and so did my other mother. We came home to the hubbys watching Family Guy and then it was time for bed.

What a freakin' fantabulous Christmas! Man, I love football! I can't wait til August, start fresh and all. It's not even january and I'm already thinking of the preseason. *sigh*

did you actually read all that?

2005-11-15T21:49:00.000-05:00

All I ask is that you don't pity me / us. Don't tell us some story about how you know someone whose best friend's sister cousin's neighbor went through the same thing but as soon as they "relaxed", it just happened. Don't tell me about your cousin's friend's brother who chose to adopt and as soon as they brought the child home they found out they were pregnant.

Just keep it simple...I'm sorry for your loss and buy me a beer, or talk about something else. Or something like that. Or just don't say anything. I would be happy with that too.
Just don't give me that pathetic look, or that sympathetic (or what you think is sympathetic) story. If you haven't been there don't try to understand me, just hug me...if I ask for it...not just for your feel better.

I've got plans tomorrow night, I will be out with a bunch of people, some will know, some will not. I just don't know how long I will be out. I may be in a lot of pain. If you know me and you know the situation don't give me a hard time.

Ok, I think that I have said my peace. Sorry to bring you all down, but this is what's going on in my life and I thought that I would share. Because that's what blogging is all about right?! I truly hope to come back with good news, but I think that I will just be bitching for awhile!
peace out!

p.s. If you(and you should know who you are) are reading this. I'm sorry we didn't tell you and D, beacause you really have enough going on tomorrow(wed. the 16th) and I didn't want to make things worse.

remember that last post?

2005-11-15T16:27:00.000-05:00

This is not a happy post, it's actually kind of boring, unless you know me. So, don't read on unless you really care. That was your warning...

Well, I guess I prematurely spoke. Remember that 2WW I was telling you about? Well, it was over about a week and a half ago. I got that positive pregnancy test that I wanted. You would think that that would be good news right? Well it was in the beginning and we were happy, no scratch that (I would do it myself, but I don't know how), we were ecstatic. For a week and a half we were nervous, excited, scared. The day I took the test it was an extremely faint line. If you haven't seen as many negative pregnancy tests as I have, and it's tens and tens of them, you wouldn't have thought that it was positive. I took the one with highest HcG sensitivity. Yes, I know the sensitivity of most of these tests and if I don't there's a list that I can double check. Oh, and HcG is the hormone produced in a woman's body once a fertilized egg is implanted. Anyway, I didn't even tell Hubby that I took the test. I immediately called the RE's office and went in for blood work. Ya see, with blood work I can know my HcG count, my betas, if you will. I called in at 1:00pm and found out that my betas were 41. For those that don't know that is very low for as many DPO (Days Past Ovulation) that I was. So, I was even more scared. I didn't know how to tell Hubby or even if to tell him. Being Friday, I had to go back Monday to check my beta levels again. Generally, one is to go back every other day to make sure that betas are doubling at a good rate. Even more scared for Monday now. So,I called one of my good friend's who knows our whole deal and has been there through and through. She's a Genetic Counselor and a wonderful person! She said she would hope for the best for me.

When Hubby came home, I had a sort of word puzzle that my friend (MSH) put toegether about a year ago. Once all the words are all circled or crossed off the letters left spells, I A M P R E G N A N T. Believe it or not the past two times I have told him with unique ways, why should this one be different? I mean third time is a charm, right?! I told him a friend sent it. He said who? I said, well, I'm sending it to you. Needless to say he was pretty psyched. I went back on Monday, my favorite nurse there to take my blood.
She says to me: I really wanted higher numbers from you.
I said: Yeah, me too.
She said: But, you never know, this baby might surprise us.
I said: Yeah. and smiled
She and I at the same time say: This baby will surprise us!
We both laughed and smiled big smiles!
When I called for my numbers she answered the phone.
She screams: We were right! NO, we were wrong NO! I don't know.
I'm like: Mercy, tell me what the numbers are!!
Well, my numbers MORE than doubled. They skyrocketed to 343!! I was wicked psyched! I called Hubby immediately. He was pretty psyched too.

I don't really remember what happened after that. We tried to think of ways to tell our parents, we came up with a nickname for the fetus, we had a big family dinner that we fought so hard not to tell anyone while there. It was like our own little secret. My boobs hurt, I was drinking and peeing a lot, I started to get morning sickness. I knew that I had to go back again on Monday to check my beta levels. The weekend came and went. On Sunday, my boobs didn't hurt so much, but symptoms come and go right?! I went in on Monday, nervous as all hell. I almost didn't go, just because I didn't want to know. Either way, I didn't want to know. I was shaking at 1:00, I was working so I didn't get to call at 1:00. I left the store and I went to my car to make the call. It was busy. I tried again, it was busy. I tried ten times before I got through.
Mercy answered the phone again. In the worse tone I have ever heard anyone speak in she says: ohhh lowercasek, I don't have good news.
'Oh no?' not really surprised. I started spotting the day before, but it stopped within a couple of hours, but I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted more than anything to be feeling, but I didn't. I didn't want to admit it either. I didn't want to tell Hubby. I didn't want my worse fear to be happening, again. I had bad results once before and had to make the worse decision of my entire life. Her news, my numbers have dropped, a lot. I should have had betas in like the 5,000's or higher. They were 100 something. I'm having another miscarriage. I got off the phone and it was like the confirmation that my body needed. It began about a half hour later. Needless to say I left work and went home.

sorry this post is so freakin' long...I'll pause here.

back again

2005-11-06T15:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I had some technical difficulties but I am back now. I'm not even sure where to begin, so much has happened. What did you do for Hallow's Eve? DH and I went to a party Saturday night at out friends house that we haven't seen in awhile. That was fun, sort of. It's so weird when you don't have anything to say. We saw a lot of people that we haven't seen in quite a few months. A couple have had babies, some have travelled, and some have just had a broken leg. There were two babies there, now please don't get me wrong, I am wicked happy for the people that have had their babies and are a cute and happy family now. I just wish that I had that, but that's not my point.

I just don't know what to say to people anymore.
people: "How have you two been?"
us:"Good, workin' a lot, ya know."
us thinkin:'yeah, you don't really want to even know.'
people:"So,what's new with the two of you?"
us:"Oh, not much, just workin', hangin' out, nothin too exciting."
people:"Well, (baby's name here) is just keeping us so busy. He/She never lets us sleep...balh, blah, blah."
us thinkin: 'well, lately we have just been hanging out in the 2WW. Oh you don't know about the 2WW. The 2WW = two week wait, the time between your date of ovulation and when you can test to see if you are pregnant or not. It's been the latter too many times. Ya see, we have actually been trying for over three and a half years. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and a half. I have so many cycles charted on the fertilityfriend website, I don't even know what to keep in my stats. I have a lifetime membership there ya know. I kinda gave up charting this month though cause it's really a pain in the arse to take my temperatures each morning before I move. Oh and I just got back from my appointment with the RE (that's reproductive endocrinologist= Fertility specialist) and the dildo cam showed that I did in fact ovulate. So, in this 2WW, I have to start my progesterone and just sit and wait till they start poking me with more needles for blood samples to check my levels. But other than that, not much going on. At least I get to sleep though, I guess, right?!'

I mean can you imagine if I actually said that to someone? They would look at me as if I had ten heads or something. Either that or they would give me some dumb ass story about how their sister's best friend's cousin was dealing with infertility and their experiences. You know what?! SHUT THE HELLL UP!!! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SISTER'S BEST FRIEND'S COUSIN WHO HAD TO GO THROUGH WHATEVER. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT TRY TO RELATE TO ME!!

sorry, had to get that out.

As, I was saying, I don't know what to say to people any more.
But the party was fun, we only stayed for a little while then we met up with some other friends and headed to the midnight showing of "Army of Darkness" at the Charles. that was cool until the girl one row up and a few seats over started talking on her cell phone in normal voice right at as the movie started. BITCH! Who does that?

The next night we went over to the Ottobar for the Roller Girl's 'Bruiser's Ball'. that was a blast! I was really surprised at how many people were dressed up in costume. There were some really good ones too. I saw Bjork, Team Zissou, a Big Box of Franzia, Pee Wee Herman, a sexy bum, a cute leopard, the freakin' gates and central park (that was amazing), a very large fish, and many other great costumes, at least I think that they were all costumes. Sometimes you just don't know. We really ahd a great time. I think it had a lot to do with the company. When we left the Ottobar we were starving so we went to the Paper Moon. We were starving and it was on our way home.

Now, the Paper Moon has a bad reputation and we have experienced it first hand too many times. The do however, have good food, so we went. It was the best experience we EVER had there. We sat down immediately, we got our drinks a minute later. out food came within ten minutes. Hubby had his coffee refilled at least twice. Each time the server asked how everything was or if we needed anything else. We got our check and our plates were taken out of the way. We went up to pay and we paid right away. I feel like we were there and then home again within an hour. I don't think that, scratch that I know that that has never happened there. It was great! Of course, it was a Sunday at about 12:30, but still.

day 24 I think

2005-10-26T21:43:00.000-04:00

I think that we are down to the 1WW and I'm not sure how I feel. I'm pretty sure that I don't feel like I might be pregnant, but I've thought that before and I was wrong. As usual, I just don't know. The progesterone is a pain in the arse, that's for sure. I'm just glad the whole dildo cam thing is over. I was so glad when I ovulated...geez. Why did I decide to go back to the RE?! I think that the nurses know more about me than the doc does too. UGH! Next step???
Now, I just wait wait wait, is that all I ever do.

I'm having a pretty shitty week and I'm trying to figure out what would make me feel better. Ever really want to quit your job, just been done. It's unbelievable how people are wired and how they think. They pretty much amaze me every day. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on the lot. I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but sometimes I do.

On to happier notes, we truly are trying to make our house a home. We got a new door, I love our new door. It brings so much light into our front room. It almost seems as though the door is open. I love the light, but at night, I feel like everyone is watching me. I don't think that they can really see me, but still, the thought is there. Hubby even primed it on Sunday so that we could paint it. Yipeee!

Unfortunately, because we originally had to take the door off, well Hubby did, to get the couch in. Well, guess what happened when we got a new door. Hubby took our couch, put it on the front lawn and now we have no couch :(. I actually feel like I belong in Hampden now though. Actually, I will tell you that we moved it to the patio. Hubby joked, 'Now, you have the patio furniture you always wanted.' I didn't laugh. Oh, and guess what, bulk pickup in our area needs three business days advance notice. So, uh, the couch stays on our lawn for over a month. UGH?!

Gotta love all that rain eh?!

makin' our house a home

2005-10-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

For the past few weeks we have been trying to make our house a home. We planted a new garden, we repainted our dining room, added a little flavor. We would love to re-do our stairs, but finding a contractor seems impossible. We are getting a new front door later this week and we are getting rid of our couch and comfy chairs. Then we will get our carpets cleaned or replaced. After that all new furniture for the living room. The kitchen, was not on the list...until the other day. Ya see, we don't have a lot of counter space, pretty much no counter space. The microwave takes up nearly one whole counter and when we do the dishes, no dishwasher, they need to dry on the other counter.

Well, the other morning I had just done the dishes and I felt the need for an English Muffin. So, I used the little space that is in front of the microwave to set up the toaster oven. It fits, it's not a perfect fit, but it works. I wanted to make my version of an Egg Mcmuffin, I had a hard boiled egg, my slice of ham and my wrapped cheese slice. The cheese was a bit cold so I placed it on top of the toaster oven while my muffin cooked. It started to let off a bit of a scent, melting plastic, I figured I better take the slice off the toaster. It was still a little hard and cold so I just flipped it over. The smell went away, I figured I'd fixed the problem. My muffin was toasted so I began to make my sandwich. Once I was done, I thought, let me just put this thing away now.

As, I go to pick the toaster oven up it's kinda stuck. I figured, hmm, maybe I should not grab this hot toaster oven with my fingers, let me get the oven mitts. Well, then I tried again and it really was stuck. I'm thinkin What the hell?! Then I realize that "Oh Shit!", it's stuck to the microwave! Hubby's going to kick my arse! I'm freakin out, I don't know what to do, I start pulling the toaster oven in a frantic state hoping that I haven't completely ruined the microwave. Or even that, I can get away with Hubby not even noticing (Yeah Right). I couldn't think of what to do. I tried to pull again and the door of the microwave on the hinge side, nearly comes off, OH Shit!. Ok, don't do that again. All I could think of is cold water, maybe if I get cold water it will stop the melting and I can pull the toaster oven away without any damage. So, I grab a clean glass filled it with cold water and poured it in between the mircowave and the toaster oven being careful not to get in inside or near anything electric like. Believe it or not, it didn't work. Maybe the water wasn't cold enough. Yeah right, what the hell was I thinking pouring water on two electrical appliances?! I know , I know, but I didn't want to get caught. I felt like a little kid that had just broken the vase and wanted to blame it on the dog. I had no dog to blame. And, I don't think my cat Guinness would take the blame for this one. I asked.

Finally, after all the pulling and all the water, I got them to release one another. I put the toaster oven away, it had a little melted white on the back, but no real damage. The microwave on the other hand, Oh Crap, Hubby is definately going to notice this one! It's melted, not to the point where we can't use it, but to the point of where it's ugly. It's no longer white, more of a yellowish brown and crispy. It doesn't make for a complete kitchen makeover, but it's where it begins.

in the news

2005-10-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

Jon stewart was on Oprah and he wondered...
"The CNN crawl—let's face facts," he says. "They added a 24-hour ticker, yet it adds absolutely no insight. This literally happened when Uday and Qusay Hussein…had been killed. So you had these really grizzly images, and it was reporters going non-stop from Baghdad…and on the crawl underneath it, I kid you not, came across the sentence, 'Beyoncé no longer likes the word bootylicious.' And it was juxtaposed with these unbelievably grizzly images, and you just thought to yourself, 'Isn't the ticker guy watching CNN? What is he doing?'"
Jon Stewart is funny.
I gotta tell ya, I can't ever ignore the crawl. No matter what I'm watching. It has ruined quite a few football games for me too. It's like a car wreck that people rubber neck to see. I personally always ask the passenger to look and then grill them about the wreck, but that crawl I have to watch!

So, when I am at the gym, it's the only time that I get the news or get to see/read it. Bad, I know. Any way, Last night, I saw the story about Robert Davis, the man that was beaten in New Orleans by the police. I nearly started bawling. I just don't understand. So, I took a deep breathe and just I worked my arse off on the machine I was on. It just made me so mad. I don't even know the whole story. I read about it more this morning but, it just pissed me off even more. So, I stopped reading.

Of course, then I see an article about some Arkansas woman who just had her 16th child! Are you effin' kidding me?!! I can't even have one. I was even more depressed after that, so I stopped reading the news. I hate the news. I'm going back to my television and catch up on 'LOST'.

one week in

2005-10-10T22:00:00.000-04:00

and yesterday was the last day of taking the letrozole/femara. I have had a stomach ache all morning. I didn't even go to work til like 12:30, then I left at 3:30. I still wasn't feeling up to par and there were like five people working. Plus, I was starving (I hadn't eaten anything all day) and I didn't think that fast food would suffice. I hope that this is not a side effect of this drug. I think it may have been my combination of weird foods yesterday, but then again Hubby ate everything that I ate. Except he had a Pumpkin Spice Latte while I had a Chai Latte. Oh well, I'm better now and that's good. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow to find I when I need to go in and check out my follies. great big follie thoughts.

for cryin' out loud...

2005-10-10T21:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Ravens,

For the past ten years, I have loved being a fan. I have watched the team form into the Superbowl Winners that you once were. But now, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is going on?! I know, I have never been an NFL coach, player, or staff member. But, I have to say this is assanine. That game was atrocious. I will say the refs and umpires need to be fined themselves. I mean for crying out loud...HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT SEE THAT THAT WAS FORWARD MOTION?????!!!!!! DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE REPLAY?! OMG! Oh, and how many times can there really be defensive holding?! Yes, I agree Terell, you should have been aware of your helmet and Ed, you should never never touch a ref. You should have been ejected! Yes, there are flaws, I don't think that the team is flawless. But come on! Billick, get your shite together or get out. Yes, someday, and let me repeat, someday Kyle Boller will be a NFL quarterback, but right now, he's not! Offensive line, HOLD THE POCKET! Give Anthony the time that he needs, if he can take his time he will be a decent quarterback. He just needs to take his time. Protect Jamal! He can go for miles if you hold the line!

Defense...defense, what the hell is going on. I see some awesome plays, but nothing close to what we (I) am use to. Is there any way we can go back to those days when people spoke so highly of you?! ED Reed, YOU are the Defensive Player of the year! Show them what you can do dam nit! More Sacks, forced fumbles, interceptions, something already!! I can't go another Sunday like this! Please stop the madness!

DO SOMETHING ALREADY! That's not even all of it, but it's all that I can think of at this moment. I know that no Ravens staff will read this and I know even if they did it wouldn't change anything. I just had to vent. Yesterday was dispicable, atrocious, apalling! Please don't do it again...ever!

please.

a dreary day, but a rockin' night!

2005-10-08T16:12:00.000-04:00

So, tonight is date night to celebrate the afore mentioned anniversary. We have reservations at Petite Louis, been dyin' to check that place out. Depending on how long it takes us to eat we will see a movie, then the rockin' begins! Get those dirty thoughts out of your head and figure out what you will be doing tonight. Because tonight starts off the "October's Heavy Metal Heroic Heroes Competition" at Molly's featuring Keyboard Man himself. And of course his city famous karaoke. So, if you feel like rockin', drinkin' and singin', we just might see you there!
Oh, and tomorrow is football, so don't expect a blog.

everyone liked the movie

2005-10-07T17:56:00.000-04:00

So, yeah, that was good. Or at least everyone that approached either myself or my mom. The reception kinda sucked. I hadn't eaten for what felt like forever. They had appetizers, but it was all asian food and everyone kept using their chopsticks to grab stuff off of the platters. EEEWWW! At least turn those bad boys around or get new ones, they are disposable. I don't need your nasties. So, I grabbed a couple dumplings and that was all that I ate. UGH, Oh how I wished there were a Wendy's by my house. Oh well. It was so late anyways, I would have felt like crap had I actually eaten there. Got home and pretty much went to bed. Exciting, yet, sooo boring. Tonight, we shall dine on chili with the in-laws and my mom. So, I better go change, my work out clothes aren't very attractive.

anniversary

2005-10-06T09:58:00.000-04:00

Today is our 4th anniversary.

Happy Anniversary Hubby! You would think that for your anniversary a couple would go out to dinner, maybe go to a movie and just be together. Well, we are kinda doin' that. I didn't have this blog back in january, otherwise I would have told you all that I was going to the Sundance Film Festival, who knows maybe I already told you. Anyway, my mom was in a movie that premiered there, so I went to check it out. That and a few other things...
So, tonight is the opening of the Asian Pacific American Festival in DC and the movie is premeiring. So, we are packing the whole family up and heading to the premiere. No time for dinner beforehand, but there is a reception afterwards. Alone time, not so much, family time, that's a good thing, right?! Believe it or not, I am excited for tonight even though I have seen the movie like five times. In-laws are coming, cousins, uncles and what not, it should be a good time. I think that for our actual celebration we are going to try and go to Petite Louis for dinner and then check out a movie. Thinking maybe Corpse Bride, anyone seen it yet?!

to 4 years!!

I love you hubby!!

not this time

2005-10-05T22:49:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here's the deal, I have had faith in every doctor. I feel like they went to school for this, they should know what the heck to do. I'm beginning to understand that unexplained infertility is just that. I still think that and I'm hoping that my RE will prove me right this time. Like I was saying, I left the RE for a couple of cycles because clomid was making me crazy and I didn't want any more drugs. So, I tried acupuncture to see if being natural would make me feel better. It has made me feel better, but I'm not pregnant. It's been way too long and I feel as though I need to try something else. So, today, I went back. i wanted to hear what he had to say. I'm not sure if he gave me faith or just scared me more...jk, I think.
He explained to me that I don't always ovulate...on time. He says that out of the 4 cycles that I have had with the center I have really only ovulated two of the 8 eggs that I should have ovulated. And, I got pregnant once, so according to him, I'm 50/50. It was never put to me like that. I had never understood that. I just didn't know. can you tell it blew my mind? It gave me hope, if I can just make those eggs release! Well, he gave me a suggestion. We are going to try the unapproved letrozole/femara which he says will help. We shall see. Hope has been restored, for a minute.

I swear though if I see another pregnant woman, I just might trip her. ok not really, but can they just get away from me? please.

week one almost over

2005-09-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

so far I have been pretty sane, of course, the sanity usually disappears about mid week two. I've been torturing myself as usual. I read the message boards. The used to be on the weddingchannel.com, but they changed their systems and the boards went to crap. Now, they've moved over to constantchatter.com where they are pretty similar to how the WC used to be. Iread about what symptoms pregnant women have and what not. It's just pure torture. Ok, right here, right now.

I will NOT look at threads that I don't belong in. The less torture the better! I feel like that needn't be said...well, i said it anyways.

Stop the madness! Of course, I can't stop thinking though...Next week is our anniversary, man, that would be a great anniversary present for Hubby and me.

When will the madness end?! I can do this, I can do this, I got this...right?

still got a little faith

2005-09-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

My acupuncture appointment went well. It was very relaxing. The weekend was blah. Friday we just kinda chilled. Saturday we got some bad news so I left work early, couldn't concentrate. We cleaned up house a bit then off for some tasty ribs. I love a good barbecued rib, but adding a crabcake to it. It was heaven. Later that evening we headed out to Club Charles to meet some friends before we stayed up too late to see the midnight showing of The Big Lebowski. It was at The Charles and freakin' hilarious. There are no in betweens with that movie, either you hate it or you love it. I looove it. It cracks me up! The Coen brothers are geniuses. We've owned it for awhile, but never saw it one the big screen, so couldn't miss this one! So we didn't.

Sunday, checked out the peeps, went out to lunch, had some crab dip, yum. I don't know what it is, I haven't had crabs all summer. Unfortunately. But then in two days, I get crab something. I like it. I also had my first Chai Latte, ever had one? They are yummy! I think I found a new beverage.

I tivoed that show Inconceivable, anyone else watch it? It was terrible. I didn't like it at all. actually, I only watched about 15 mins of it and deleted it. I don't know it all seemed ridiculous. I didn't really expect it to be real, but at the same time, I thought that they might get a few things right. Maybe allow the general public to understand how hard it is for one to go through infertility. But this show isn't the one. I just really hope that, what my friend says, "i just fear that people will watch it and think they understand what infertility is. sort of an "i saw 'inconceivable' so i now understand what you went/are going through" doesn't happen. I just might have to hit anyone that says that to me.

I'm all over the place with this blog huh?! I guess just trying to keep myself distracted.

enough complaining, how about some hope

2005-09-21T22:01:00.000-04:00

I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow and I think that I ovulated today. At least, I think that's what I felt. Did I mention my stones? My hairstylist has a store of her own right next door (to the hair salon) and she sells all kinds of good stuff. She gave me some, Chrysophrase- astrological sign...libra uses
-activates heart chakra
-instills state of grace
-helps one recognize the trinity within ones self
-aids in healing broken heart
-provides non judgemental attitudes
-increases fertility
Garnet- astrological sign...leo, virgo, capricorn, aquarius, uses
-"stone of health"
-brings awareness
-aids in creative energy
-stone of commitment to others and to ones self
-helps adjust flow of energy and brings vitality
there's one more, but it didn't come with instructions. I am to put them on the lower abdomen and do mantra of my own, if you will. So, I do. I mean what else can I do. The doctors can't figure out what's wrong. The acupuncturist can't figure out what's wrong. When I went in last week he even asked me again "Has your husband been tested?". I was like yes, remember when I was given the inquisition my first appointment and we verified that all tests were done to either one of us and it's a cut and dry Unexplained Infertility.
Infertility is such a bad word, put unexplained in front of it and it feels even worse. At least to me. What was the title of this post? Oh yeah, how 'bout some hope.

I have hope this month. I think that this just might be it. I mean why not, I even have stones. believe it or not, I'm not being sarcastic. I don't see why not. I felt the ovulation pains, I had all the good signs. I did what I was suppose to and now I just wait. wait...don't let me freak out on fake symptoms again though. Let it just be I am or I'm not. Simple as that. Thanks.

been awhile...

2005-09-21T21:35:00.000-04:00

that it has and a bit has happened...
Well, I'm now 31, I have been on vacation, and I finally got my period. We saw some old friends in Boston. Ate some tasty wings and shared beers laughs and memories. Then we went away with our college roommate, his wife and their two kids. And, believe it or not we had a blast. We stayed in a vacation house in New Hampshire, it was a 5 minute walk from a lake. We had gorgeous weather. I spent most of my time at the lake. It was like having my own private beach all week. We went kayaking, my first time, it was fantabulous. We kayaked all the way to Maine. It was great! Did a little ATVing, is that a word, if not I just made it up. We ate, we drank, we vacationed. It was great. I think it was our best vacation. May vacations happen more often!

While we were on vacation I probably took like five pregnancy tests. I just didn't know what was going on. And, of course, before I left my acupuncturist said my pulse was fast and there was a possiblity that I was pregnant. I had also taken a test before going to the acupuncturist and there was a very very faint line. I still have no explanation for the pregnancy test. I think it must have been a false positive, no matter how rare they are. I never had bad cramping or anything like a miscarriage. My period was even shorter than the usual. And, every test that I took on vacation was NEGATIVE...so that leaves me even more confused than usual. What else is new though?!

a week, a month, a few days since my last...what's next?

2005-08-05T18:18:00.000-04:00

ok, so, it's been a week since my last post. It's been over a month since my last ovulation and two days since my last acupuncture appointment. I don't rightly understand, what have I done wrong now? What have I done to my body to make it now not ovulate? I have ovulated just fine for the past 3 and 1/2 years, at least that's how long I have been charting to know so. I have had no problem each month, but now I'm frickin' having problems! My body is so frickin' crazy! I don't get this every other sign looked like I was going to ovulate, but then I just don't? What the hell, as far as I can tell, I haven't had some unusually stressful days. So, why now? Why now that I'm not seeing the RE anymore?

My acupuncturist gave me different herbs and poked me on my backside this time with more heat. It went well, made me feel even better than when I normally leave there. Now, we just wait and see. What else is new?
My temps dipped again this morning and it looks like it might happen. BUT, guess what? yeah, you guessed it... Hubby is away for the weekend. UGH, this is so crazy!! What's next?
"Um, temp, could you please rise tomorrow morning? Please. I mean, can that be what's next? See you tomorrow, Thanks!"

it's that time again!

2005-07-30T15:51:00.000-04:00

...what time you ask?

keyboardman karaoke time! HOORAY! Tonight once again, at the place to be, they will hold karaoke of your favorite 80's toons! Who will be singing? You just never know. Come and check it out for yourself! It's always a good time, especially if you have enough beers! I know you love the 80's and if you don't then you'll love making fun of everyone else loving the 80's. If you don't have plans and you want to make some. Come and meet us at Molly's in Remington tonight. It'll be a BLAST!!
C-you there!

i'm confused

2005-07-27T10:28:00.000-04:00

I don't know where to begin with my acupuncturist. I had another appointment yesterday, it went well. I guess. He asked me if there were any problems. I said, "Well, I'm not pregnant." And, we just both kind of politely chuckled. But I guess that's not really a problem, just a situation. Same thing, needles, music, lying down and relaxing. Is this working? I'm confused. I want it to work, but is it working?

I should be ovulating soon, but I feel like after three and a half years of this, I don't know. You'd think that after doing something for three years you'd know what you are suppose to be doing. I mean I know what we are 'suppose' to be doing. But, to this day, I still don't know how my body works. It confuses me everyday. I have had the same one for over thirty years and I still can't figure it out. I mean I understand that I will always have the family butt, no matter how much I work out. I know that I am doomed to have cellulite. I know that I'm not growing anymore, height wise anyways. But most if this I know from the rest of my family. I don't know because it's my own body. So, I take my temperature every morning to find out if I have ovulated or not, but it doesn't tell me when. I tried to use ovulation predictor kits but they confuse the hell out of me. I mean a line is a line when it comes to pregnancy tests, but the predictor kits one line has to be darker than the other. You have to use them twice a day around specific times. They just aren't fesible when you have to work weird hours. Or work at all. So, instead, I just wait. I wait for my temp to go up to know that I have ovulated and the 2WW begins again. When will the confusion end?

avoidance is best

2005-07-18T22:08:00.000-04:00

I just feel like if I avoid it, it's not an issue. BTW, acupuncturists don't know all. That high possiblity was just high hopes. I got a big fat negative and drank the night away!

Had a blast in San Diego, saw old friends, hung with family, baked in the sun, and tortured sea anenomes. We got in Friday and headed straight to The Local. Cool little bar, trying to bring the beach hut atmosphere to downtown SD. I think my friend Mina did a great job! I'm so happy that it's successful. After drinking and no eating since 5:00 our time, we left the bar and headed to the Taco Shop two doors down. Had some rolled tacos and a lot of guacamole. Damn they were good! I miss mexican food! I mean Taco Bell just doesn't cut it. Little Italy, I need a Little Mexico. I've seen a couple of taco shops off Broadway, but have yet to try them out. I need to just suck it up and try them out. Then passed out.

Next morning we headed to the Over the Line Tournament, that my friend played in. Here are some pix from the action. It also explains a bit about the game. The pic with the two guys in red and the chicken, the guy on the left is my friend from high school. We got a kick out of that! My best friend in San Diego, played like three games and they won two. We only got to see them play one, but it was the first that they won. They even wore costumes, The Local Donkey Show Girls Have Arrived was the name of their team. They were sponsored by the bar so they wore tanks with the logo on them, skirts, and big sombreros with donkey ears on them. They looked great and everyone wanted a pic. Well everyone either wanted pix of girls in costumes or the girls flashing them. Ya see, this tournament is more along the lines of a Preakness Event. Drunk girls feel the need to flash their breasts to anyone who will look. I want to see just drunk girls, but I don't even know if that's true. I do know that I have never felt the need to flash my breasts to gawkers, picture takers, and the lot.

We were there much of the day, I even got sunburnt, it was wonderful! We rushed back to the hotel and got ready for the reception. It was pretty casual so we knew it wouldn't take long. The "house" that it was at was beautiful. It's a house that is owned by UCSD and rented out for functions. It overlooks Scripps Pier and it was gorgeous! I got to see so many people that I haven't seen in ages. I definately got and gave the whole 'I remember when you where this big.' I never thought that I would give it, but I did, then felt like a moron and an adult all at the same time. It was a very joyous occassion. I loved seeing everyone, the food was tasty, the decorations were gorgeous and I felt like I was home. I miss the smell of the ocean, the warmth of the sun and the cool breeze through the night.

The next day we headed to the house to say goodbye to family and the wedding party. From there we went to see Hubby's old friend and meet their new baby. He's adorable and sweet, doesn't do much yet, I mean he's only about 5 months old. I did well though. Every time I looked at him I thought about how much I wanted one. All in due time I guess. They then took us over to the new Aquarium and played in the tide pools! It was a flashback, I love playing with sea anenomes. It's so weird! Then we had a little In-N-Out Burger, I love that burger joint and I miss it so! We drove around a bit and I reminisced. Back to the Hotel, then out to dinner, then a very early flight home. It felt good to be home, that is until the freakin' humidity hit me! I hate humidity!

It was good to see my kitten again though.

acupuncturists know all?

2005-07-07T07:38:00.000-04:00

Ok, so maybe they don't know all. But no matter how much doctors have disappointed me in the past, every time I get a new one I feel like they know all. They could tell me to jump off of a bridge to get pregnant or to get better, whatever the case may be, and I would do it. I shouldn't have so much faith, it only results in heartache, but for some reason...I've got a lotta damn faith in this guy. Plus, he said the coolest thing ever yesterday. He said, well, let me tell the story.

I went in for my appointment yesterday and I wasn't sure if I could have a session because I was already in the 2WW. So, as soon as we went back I explained. The second I was done or even a second before that he grabbed my wrist and took my pulse, then my other wrist. He said "Hmmm, that's a very interesting pulse." -needless to say, I am not qouting line for line or word for word because I'm not good like that, nor do I have a memory like that.
I'm thinkin' what the heck does that mean? Then I remembered in my book, she talked about being able to tell a woman was pregnant by her pulse, way before even she would know. So, I'm thinking and I'm hoping and I just want him to say it. But, he just calmly says "You have a slippery, rapid pulse. There is a high possibility that you are pregnant." I think I had the biggest grin ever, but I was trying to be calm. I mean he did say "high possibility" but then again he did say "high possiblity".

So, now I'm freaking out even more...aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I want to test soo bad! But, I know nothing is going to show up. Then I'm just going to be so upset or just be skeptical. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel. I'm just so, nervous I guess. Ladies, here's my chart, let me know what you think. I love and need your advice. I don't think it looks like much and if you don't either, feel free to say so. Oh, and I will most definately be taking tests with me. I have to admit though, I didn't go the internet route this month, so, they will just be Answer Early's. So, I might have to wait it out. Oh what the hell did I do to myself?! SHITE! Answer's are good, I should worry not. I will try to post while I'm away, no guarantees though.

E, I will call you if it's good news!
love to all-
me

Happy Fourth of July!

2005-07-04T22:12:00.000-04:00

The 4th is supposed to be filled with barbeques, beers, potato & macaroni salads, chips, fireworks, and the lot! My fourth, is filled with me getting over a 102.4 fever and not much else. I did try to make it to the Towson Parade with Hubby and his parents, but even sittin' there and watching was a match for me. I think it was more the walking from the parade to the car and the heat. We came home and I chilled for a bit, so we went to get a bite to eat. I felt a little better after that, but then I came home and slept for like two hours. At least it felt like two hours. We had plans to go to DC with the rest of my family, but couldn't make it that far. ...that far, like it's sooo far away. It just seems like it when you have to drive to one place and then walk another place for what seems like miles, I couldn't do it. With that fever I had full body aches and could barely move. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want you to understand why I am home at 10:00 at night blogging. Not out and about watching fireworks and the lot.

Oh, but I did get to watch some neighborhood fireworks. I also could just barely see the fireworks from the Harbor out the bathroom window and through some trees. I gotta tell ya...the neightborhood works were quite the spectacle. I don't really know the whole history of why fireworks weren't sold in Maryland before. I guess people had to drive to like DC and West Virginia before, but now they are able to buy them right here on nearly every street corner. They were pretty cool, maybe I should buy some the next time I see a stand. Although, that may be a major fire hazard.

Not only did I miss real fireworks, but I missed the food and the beer. Oh, how I miss beer. This whole 2WW thing sucks! Oh wait, I am now in the 1WW. I have one more week to go. One more until I find out if I am pregnant or not. One more week before I go through the depressing exhausting event of the wicked witch or the "jubilance" of being pregnant. The quotes are about the two miscarriages. Yes, I will be exstatic about being pregnant. I will be through the roof happy if I am pregnant! BUT, yes, I know it is a big but, I will also be scared out of my wits. Not scared that I'm pregnant, just scared that the some unfortunate incident could happen again, or even something worse. Will I ever get over this? Probably not, but I will work with what I can. Believe you, me, I will be shouting to the world that I am pregnant again!! The tricky part in all this is next weekend I will be in Sunny San Diego. This is the beach that we grew up on, now, it's covered in seals. I would post the pic that Hubby took a few years ago, but I have yet to reteach myself or have Hubby reteach me how to post pix. *sigh*, man, am I lazy. However will I test there? It just seems werid to think of bringing or buying a pregnancy test and then taking it in a hotel. But, we all gotta do what we gotta do. And, I will do it! ;) Back to the beginning.

Happy 4th of July everyone!!

me update...

2005-07-02T10:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, so the whole reason I started this blog is because before I had a journal. The journal helped me to type out my thoughts, my frustrations, talk to my friends, let them commiserate with me, and share with others my experiences with infertility. So, some of you may or may not know what the 2WW is, but I'm in it. If you don't know what it is god bless you, may you never. Or at least may you not have gone through as many as I have. The 2WW is the two weeks that one must wait after ovulating to find out if they are pregnant. It is the worst two weeks of any month, ever. The waiting, the then getting them over and either having the wicked witch find you (and you are the most devasted you have ever been) or waiting a few more days because you just might have implanted late and there may still be a chance that you are pregnant. That's after like five negative pregnancy tests, because one has been through this so many times that you are now buying the cheap ones online. I mean they do have the highest sensitivity possible. Because maybe, just maybe, those five are defective.

Actually, normally, one starts a little earlier than the end of the 2WW because one knows that these tests are the highest sensitivity possible. So, you start testing earlier then you are even more devastated that the wicked witch shows up. UGH, it's all so frustrating. I just want to know what it's like to be pregnant for longer than 6 weeks, I want to know what it's like to give birth, yes I said it, and I meant it. I want to know what it's like to me a mother. I want to see what Hubby and I look like all mixed up together. I want to go through the terrible two's, I want to know what kind of teenager I was. I want to know what it's like to send my children off to college. I know, I'm skipping around a lot. I guess I just don't want to be 70 when my kids head off to college. I know I got some peeps put there that feel my pain. I haven't heard from you all in awhile?! I hope that you are all well and pregnant! BTW, I will be in Cali when it comes time to test...oh the torture! ;)

wedding #2

2005-07-01T20:04:00.000-04:00

Has it really been a week since my last post? Another wedding this weekend, this time we only have to travel to western Maryland, not too bad. I'm excited, this one is about two friends of ours making it official. They are an adorable couple and will be very happy together, I just know it. And this wedding will be a little different. It's on a farm in an old barnhouse, not the typical in a hotel or an average reception site with bad food and no adventure. I guess I should explain.

Hubby and I met back when we worked at a hotel and conference center, where we attended half a dozens weddings a week. Ok, so not quite "attended", more worked. The food sucked, they all seemed to be the same, dj playing the same songs, sometimes even the same dj, it got kinda sickening after awhile. Needless to say our wedding was different from that. We had it at a mansion, everything in one place, ceremony and reception. The ceremony was to be outside, weather did not permit, but in the tent with the flap open. We did have buffet, but they were stations with all kinds of yummy foods, yeah, I said yummy what about it? Nothing really special, just different from the whole hotel scene and I'm not shittin' on those who choose to have their weddings there, just saying it wasn't for us.

This one wasn't like ours, the food was eh, the booze was expired, and the dj played weird music in the beginning. All in all, we made ourselves have a good time. We got see a lot of family that we haven't seen in awhile, so that was nice. Hubby's family is Awesome! I love them all. Big family too, hence most of the weddings.

So, since this one should be a little different I am expecting to have a good time! Oh for those keeping track, you will be happy to know I had no dissappointments last weekend. No one announced that they were pregnant!!! HOORAY! I think I might of lost it, but no need, it's all good.

another weekend is upon us

2005-06-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I should be happy or freaked out. I have plans for the next three weekends. All forced on me by other people. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. We have three weddings to go, all in a row. Hubby's cousin is getting married in Rhode Island this weekend, next weekend our friends here, are getting married and the weekend after that is my brother's wedding out in cali! I'm excited for all three, I just wish that they were a little spread out. I guess it's good to get them over with, but holy mastacholi!

So much for weekends plans and actual vacations. Yeah, I love going back to Cali, but we have been there two times in the past two years. And, we are basically going for the wedding and then heading back. I hate traveling across the country like that (for just a couple of days), but I have to save some of my vacation days for the big vaca we have planned up to New Hampshire. I would love to stay in sunny San Diego longer, hang out on the beach, check out the Over the Line Tournament (my best friend from high schoool is playing in it), go to The Local (my other friend from high school owns it) and have a few beverages, maybe even a bite to eat. I do plan to pay while I'm there though. Apparently some, well all of, our "friends" from high school expect free drinks while they visit the bar. How do they expect Mina to make any money?! GEEZ! While we are there we are also going to see Hubby's friend from high school, his wife, and their new baby.

Speaking of babies, This weekend's wedding...I know that we are going to get the questions. So, when are you two going to have kids, the comments, it's about time for you two to have some children. And whatever else. So badly, do I wish that I could tell them all that I am pregnant, but that's not going to happen. I think that I am most nervous to hear that his other cousin, who got married last year, is pregnant. You know what don't tell me. I don't want to know. Ya know, yesterday I was in Target and I just couldn't help but check out the baby clothes. My excuse this time was that our old friends that we will be going on vacation in New Hampshire with. Well, they have two beautiful girls and I just saw some of the most adorable outfits. I brought two home and hubby says to me, now those are for the girls right, they aren't going to end up in the drawer in the basement are they? You see, I already have a bunch of baby clothes that I loved. Either they were on sale or just too cute to resist. I mean what if they aren't available by the time this whole kid thing actually works out for me?! So, they sit in the basement waiting for a viable pregnancy and a beautiful baby to finally wear them. But they are for my son or daughter. I refuse to give them up, not matter how much hubby asks me to.

I don't know how seeing the new baby is going to be for me, I don't know what being on vacation with our old friends and their two kids for week, for that matter is going to be like. I think it will be okay, but it all makes me nervous.

On another note, I had my acupuncture appointment today. It went well. I also got my hair done, my stylist has a shop next door to the salon. They sell different things, like incense, stones and that sort. well, she hooked me up with a few good ones for fertility. She told me to put them near the uterus and concentrate. I'm excited to try them. Like I said before, I really have a lot of hope this cycle. Not just the acupuncture, I don't know, I just have positive thoughts. Here we go...

What did you do last night?

2005-06-19T20:47:00.000-04:00

We had a blast last night! We were sad though, some friends of ours that we had planned to meet up with before the O's Game, didn't make it down in time and we didn't get to hang out with them. The later ended up at Power Plant Live and asked us to join them. Just couldn't do it, the whole Power Plant action looks great in pics and text but it's too, I just turned 21 for me. That was sad, but they only live in DC, so, I'm sure that we can find the time to hang out with them some other time. Sorry guys!

We had tickets to see Lewis Black at the Lyric last night. That man is frickin' hilarious. He cracks me up. Even the guy that opened for him John Bowden was pretty funny. I just think that Lewis Black is one of the funniest people. I wish he was my friend. After the show we took off for Molly's for Karaoke, I even sang, a couple songs. One with friends, the other I was going to do by myself, but I got back up because it was a group song. I was so nervous at first, then Hubby bought me a shot and I felt a bit more courageous. Go figure! Had a blast last night, saw an old friend that I hadn't seen in months and we sang, drank, and had a ball. I think I like karaoke. I guess as long as I'm around people I know, not all strangers like last time.

I was a lil' hung over this morning, but I took some tylenol and I was good to go. I had to work today, but then I came home to Hubby and his dad hangin' out as hubby cooked dinner. We had barbecued ribs, corn on the cob, and salad. It was tasty, oh and pound cake with strawberries and whip cream for dessert. I swear that man should cook every night! Dinner was delicious hubby, THANKS!

I rescheduled my acupuncture appointment, only to find out that I have another training to go to this week and had to reschedule again. They must think that I am a moron. Oh well. I'm excited for the next appointment. He mentioned that the body is like a greenhouse; everything needs to be just right for the plants to grow and I am a greenhouse. I know it sounds weird, but in some strange way, it makes sense. I guess I should start charting again, so that I know what's going on. Then again, I should probably stop drinking and whatever else...hmmm, I never been one to abide by all the rules. Another mojito anyone?!

-shoutouts-
oh yeah...and scooter, I'm still learning about the pic thing, but I did not dress up. That's just not for me. Besides the fact that it was about 93 degrees and like 105% humidity. I don't know if any of that is even possible, but still.

and seadragon, what the hell are you doing up at 3:00 am?! Hopefully, we'll see each other at the next meet up or something.

night all

work

2005-06-13T22:24:00.000-04:00

Work pisses me off sometimes, ok, most of the time. But I deal with it, yesterday and today just seemed to be too much though. Ok, not too much, but a lot. I had to be there at 6:00am for a guy that didn't show up until 8:00am. I had to go in yesterday on my day off. "Trainings" that I was suppose to go to on Thursday and Friday have suddenly, today, been moved to tomorrow and Wednesday. I have "Trainings" in qoutes because I'm not sure that I will learn too much. I have been doing my job for awhile, but soon I will be certified. Whatever that means. I don't think that I am upset because now, I have to get up at 4:30am to drive to a place that is only about 60 miles away and should be an hour's time away. But, with the traffic around here it'll take me nearly two and a half hours, even that early in the morning. UGH. I should be in bed, yet for some dumb reason I stay up. Almost in protest. Damn traffic!

Maybe I'm pissed off because I had to cancel my tune-up appointment for my car. And now, I can't take my car in to get the new head unit I want that will allow me to play my ipod in the car. hmmm...
I think that I am really pissed off because I have to cancel my second acupuncture appointment. That, I am not so happy about. From one of my recent posts, I mentioned that I was giving acupuncture a try for my 'unexplained infertility'. I am really looking forward to the sessions and the knowledge. And, I love the fact that I don't have to take any drugs that force my body to do something that it can do naturally, if I just take the right steps. One of the right steps would be going to bed now. Maybe I should do that, man, that damn traffic!

herbs

2005-06-12T23:24:00.000-04:00

I love my herb garden. Last year I had such good luck with a basil plant that I bought from Whole Foods that I felt like an expert. So, this year Hubby and I decided that we would go all out. Ya see one year we grew watermelon in our alley. Got two huge watermelons, the best you ever tasted are homegrown. The next year we had mad success with our basil, so, why not try out a few other herbs. This year, we did. We have parsley, basil, cilantro, thyme, rosemary (x2), mint and our tomato plant. We are very excited, now, if we only recipes that used all of these herbs. *sigh*

We'll come up with something soon. They are all almost out of control. I will show pics as soon as I learn how to post pics. I love working in the graden though, it just brings me peace. I love to save my plants from the weeds. I just feel important. I also have a wildflower garden and in the front I've got a tulip and iris garden. The tulip and iris garden are where my ducks stay. Yeah, I have ducks. They are porcelin, but still they're ducks. My grandmother thought that they would look good in my yard, without even seeing my yard. But, she was right, they are awesome. Thanks Popo!! I also have a lily, hydrangea, nandina, hosta, sedum, hellborus garden. Ok, so the that one we had put in by landscapers, but still. It's a garden, I mean, I pick the weeds and the mushrooms and stuff. Had to go to work for an ungodly reason. I need some peace...maybe I'll go work in the garden.

HonFest

2005-06-12T23:05:00.000-04:00

Were you there? Because if you were you didn't make yourself known to me. I'm tellin' ya, it was packed, maybe I just didn't see you. It was hot as hell up in that joint! Many times I thought that I might just pass out. Then I had one of those froo-froo lookin' smoothies. That was yummy and I cooled off, for the next half hour or so. It was like heaven, and then I started to sweat again. Ya, see, I'm from sunny San Diego. Sunny San Diego, it means dry heat, not wet, sticky, slimy humid heat. For those that were there yesterday, yes, that was me in that 'drink local-San Diego' tank. I can't stand humidity, I know that that sounds cliche, but I speak from knowing the difference. Yesterday though, I did get over it. I don't know if it had anything to do with Bacardi's misting booth or what, but I handled it. It also could have been the fact that our friends' live right off the Avenue and I rushed to their house any time I was too hot or had to pee.

Hubby met up with one of, no make that two, of his 'blogger' friends. One on purpose and the other by chance, sort of. I on the other hand, only met up with people that I haven't met on the internet. Mind you I have no problems with internet friends. I just don't have any within Baltimore, yet. Except Jessica and Jason...hey guys, where the hell are you? One quit, the other fired, did you all run off to another state together and not tell the rest of us?! We miss you if you are reading this. Blogger is such a weird word and so hard to own up to. So, I have noticed anyway. I haven't had the opportunity. I just started my blog, so, no one reads it yet, therefore no one knows who the hell I am. Even if I did come up to them and say " Hey, are you "so and so", oh yeah, well I'm lowercasek. " They would think I was some sort of moron, I mean wouldn't you?! hmmm...bloggers...

But, HonFest was good, got to hang out with good friends, drink Natty Boh, and get a tan. All in all it was a good day. Thank you HonFest! See ya next year!

needles anyone?

2005-06-09T21:13:00.000-04:00

Why are all of my titles questions? I guess I will address that at some point, not now though. Today, was my first acupuncture appointment. It was the initial consult and then followed by the procedure. Yes, that's right I had needles stuck in me for 20 minutes. It wasn't bad at all. there were probably about 15 all together. The Dr. 'diagnosed', now I use diagnosed loosely beacuse he said he thinks that I have bad blood qi. He looked a little perplexed that I hadn't been diagnosed with something before now, by western dr.'s. I have low blood pressure, never diagnosed with it but, it is lower than normal.

I have a lot of hope for acupuncture, but I'm not sure everyone else does. My mother however is absolutely exstatic for me. She says she's been praying for this. What? Praying for me to go to acupuncture? Why aren't you praying for me to be pregnant and stay pregnant with her first grandchild? Hey, she's praying for me, I can be happy about that. Thanks mom.

what are your plans for the weekend?

2005-06-08T20:27:00.000-04:00

I know that it's a little soon for weekend plans but, today being my day off I am thinking about it. I'm not suppose to have weekends off from work. At least not every weekend. Lately, with the first of 5 weddings this summer/year we have a lot of events to attend. The weekend before last we attended my cousin's wedding. A very posh set of events (rehearsal dinner and actual wedding) all taking place in Washington D.C. It was fun, it was black tie, so we had to dress up quite a bit. I had to do a reading, which I thought would be fine, but I got wicked nervous right as I was about to get up and read. I got through it, a stutter or two, but everyone said I did a good job. So, I must of right?! We were suppose to go to the brunch the next day, but we didn't.

Last weekend we had, well, I had a Bridal Shower to attend, which was nice. My friend that's getting married here in Maryland, (the rest are all out of state) I am so happy for. She was hubby's coworker's girlfriend but she's become a very good friend. I was excited to be apart of her shower. Then we had a graduation party to attend. A friend of a friend turned into a good friend of my own. I was amazed, I don't think that I know as many people as were at this party. Granted she is one of four kids, her parents are much of the same, and many of the people were family, but still it was a lote of people. Everyone sooo happy for her! a lot of love and happiness. It was so much fun, that we missed a new friend's show. ooops.

Then we took off for our favorite local bar, Molly's, for Keyboard Man Karaoke. I thought that I would be able to sing, but I got nervous and couldn't do it. We were waiting for a friend of our's to show up, the one who's show we missed. She actually works there on Friday nights. I knew that if she was there she would make me get up there and sing, sometime I need a little coercion. It was a great time, I have never seen my local bar so packed, great for them too! The owner if made a comment to me about how upset I must be that this was the first time that I didn't have a seat waiting for me at the bar. I chuckled and said that I didn't mind as long as it wasn't a habit! Sunday was a day to chill and clean the house a bit. Good ole' Sunday stuff!

As for this weekend, that is if the weather holds out, is HonFest! We have a few local festivals through out the summer. It's really nice because we can just walk to them or walk home, sober or not. We try to hit each of them throughout the summer. Last year, I did miss the HampdenFest. And apparently (according to my hubby), I missed quite a few awesome bands and a good time. This year I vowed not to miss any, I guess that means a lot of weekends not working. (like I'm really that upset, I know my hubby loves it). Well, if you don't have any plans for Saturday come and join us at the festivities. I'll be there with beer in hand, be sure to say HI!

too excited?

2005-06-07T22:13:00.000-04:00

I was at work today and I was talking to a friend of mine. I was telling her about the acupuncture. She kinda freaked, maybe everyone freaks, but I thought it was funny. She said taking drugs daily or needles in the body. She'd rather the drugs every day. I told her, if only she had to go through the side effects that I have. Not that I would wish any of this on anyone.

Then I get a phone call, it's the "secretary" for the acupuncturist. She said "Uh, may I speak to lowercase k? I said "This is." Her "Oh, this is Mary from the acupuncturist's office and you have an appointment." I look at my watch, it's 3:30, the time of my appointment. I said "What? I thought that it was the 8th at 3:30.?" Basically, she explains to me that they only work half days on Wednesdays. I was pretty positive that when I set the appointment up she told me the 8th at 3:30, never gave me a day. She tells me again how the only work half days. So, finally I just apologize and ask when I can reschedule. I felt like a dumbass. I don't like missing appointments. Now, I have to wait another day for my long awaited acupuncture appointment. Kinda bummed, was I too excited?

On a happier note, Hubby took me to see Layer Cake tonight. We have this little theater, it's actually not that little, but it shows a lot of independent films. I love it. We go there often, sort of. The Charles Theater doesn't have all the big blockbuster flicks and that's what I like about it. If you live in the Baltimore area, you should check out! If you need any recommendations, just ask. Have you all heard of Layer Cake? If you have or haven't, look it up. If it sounds like something that you would enjoy, you must go see it. I heard about it when I was in Park City this last January for the Sundance Film Festival. I really wanted to see it but I was a little tied up with other things each time it was playing around me. Plus the snowstorm here in Baltimore left me arriving to Sundance a day late! UGH, damn snow!

day 1

2005-06-06T22:48:00.000-04:00

The sixth day of the month and I start a blog. Aren't people suppose to start things in the beginning of the month. Or even the first of the year. I've never been one to be on time. This blog (what a weird word) isn't for anyone but myself. Read on if you'd like, but no one ever said I was interesting.

I feel like there is so much pressure on the first post. It will tell who 'I' am. It will be what the entire blog is about. It will be the deciding factor on if others will visit or not. Well, I just don't care (okay, well maybe a little). First or last post, this is what's in my head now.

18- moved to Maryland
20- met the love of my life
27- married the love of my life
27- love of my life and I decided to have kids
29- first miscarriage
30- second miscarriage

I know there's much more to put in that life-line...much more, but right now I am fixated on the last three. BIG TIME! I have been through it all, or at least all that the "professionals" think I need to go through. Infertility is the scariest, most stressful, confusing word ever. Let no one ever have to relate to that statement. Unfortunately, there are so many that do. To you, I say vent away, do what you can to let it out. I am! BUT, if one more person tells me to "Relax" though, I might have to stab them in the foot. If one more person tells me that their best friend's cousin has a friend who was dealing with infertility and then just relaxed and what do you know, they got pregnant!! OR, they just tried to adopt and then they got pregnant because they stopped concentrating on trying. I might have to hurt them too. I pretty much hate advice at this point, but I put my fake smile on and cringe behind it all. Then I get pissed and decide that I hate them and never want to speak to them again.

I have been through it all the charting, the clomid, the side effects, the OBGYN's, the miscarriage, the Reproductive Endocrinogloists, the HCG (10,000 and 20,000 doses), the progesterone, the ectopic pregnancy (for those not in the 'know' miscarriage #2), the methotrexate, the not being able to try the trying, the positive pregnancy tests, the negative pregnancy tests, the heartbreak, the misery and the FRUSTRATION!! I know that I am not done. I know that there is so much more. And who knows how I am going to handle. I guess we'll find out together.

On to some good news! Wednesday is a big day for me. My mother is Chinese, my mother also had me when she was very young and I was not 'expected'. She has no clue what I have been through. For I don't even know how long, she has been telling me the powers of acupuncture. She's got a friend that had brain surgery and heart surgery, but her acupuncturist was the one that made the pain go away. Her other friend had chronic headaches and her accupuncturist made them go away. She has faith in this one and only one acupuncturist. He's located in New York, Manhattan, Chinatown to be exact. She told me that I had to check this guy out and gave me the info.
Sorry mom, but I am not going to drive to New York everytime I need an appointment. Thank you though.

Instead, I found my own guy. He is reknowned in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I've actually been reading a book about Traditional Chinese Medicine... 'The Infertility Cure' by Randine Lewis.
It is so interesting. It makes me wonder if it all works, I mean it's recorded in their history, MY history. Not only the acupuncture, but the herbs, the Qi, the Yin, the Yang, the meridians. The Blood flowing properly, the Liver functioning correctly, the Spleen functioning correctly, the Kidneys functioning correctly, and of course, the Heart functioning correctly. How to tell what's what and why's why and how to become, stay pregnant and have a healthy baby. Does it work? Will it help achieve what I have been trying to acheive for three years? Guess we'll find out on Wednesday...wish me luck!

ignore this

2005-06-06T19:35:00.000-04:00

Checking out the new digs.